5 Things I've Learned from Therapy

I've been in therapy for a little over 4 years. Before that, I had gone to therapy sessions, but hadn't found the therapist that clicked with me. 4 years ago, I was 23, in my first "real" corporate job out of college, and I was struggling with anxiety and Imposter Syndrome at work. I was having doubts about my relationship, experiencing body image issues, and having intrusive thoughts. I hadn't tried therapy in a while, and with my new, shiny, adult Health Insurance to back me up, I knew I had to give it another shot.

I got so lucky to find my current therapist, who ended up being the first mental health provider I really "clicked" with, because she was relatable, funny, and easy to talk to. She was warm and we joked around from the first session, and it didn't feel too formal or clinical. She didn't sugar coat things, and she didn't look like she pitied me when I told her something traumatic or difficult. She just listened to me, and didn't tell me what decisions I should make. She allowed me to get there on my own. She still laughs at my dark jokes, and never makes me feel judged. I truly hope that everyone is able to find "the one": the therapist that you connect with. Finding mine made all the difference, and has made me an avid enjoyer and proponent of Therapy. Some might even think of me as a Therapy Influencer. (That is not a thing, and no one thinks of me as that, but I'd like to get it started). I recommend therapy to everyone, and I wish it was accessible to everyone, because life is weird and we are all just sacks of flesh controlled by a 5 pound chunk of meat, on a rock that's hurtling through space, and there's a lot to process sometimes. So, here are my biggest take-aways that I have learned from being in therapy the past 4-ish years:

1. You can't control what other people do, but you can control how you decide to react.

This one seems really obvious, I know, but one thing that a lot of people struggle with, myself especially, is setting and sticking to boundaries. Therapy has taught me that we can't control the ways others treat us. There's no guaranteeing that no one will hurt you again, in fact, the opposite is almost a guarantee: it's an inevitability that people will hurt you. In relationships, whether they are platonic, romantic, or professional, people will disrespect, hurt, and sometimes abuse you. You cannot change this, but you can change how you respond. You can walk away at the first red flag, or the first time someone makes you feel small in a relationship. You can remove yourself. You don't have to give everyone unlimited chances. You can accept that someone is not going to change, accept them for who they are, and also move on because you know you deserve better. You can decide who has access to you, and who doesn't. You can choose yourself. It's easier said than done, though, and getting to a place where you can set your boundaries AND actually stick to them takes time and self love.

2. It's just not personal, I swear.

Taking rejection in our personal and professional lives is something we are simply not taught how to do. It stings badly. But it's rarely, if ever, about you. There are countless examples I could give from my own experience of being rejected romantically, and in professional or academic settings. Things that other people do are rarely, if ever, personal. Everyone has just as complex a life as you do, and a million little things affect every decision we make, so trust me: whatever it is, it's probably not personal.

3. Controlling your emotions ≠ not feeling your emotions.

You need to feel your emotions so you can get past them. You need to sit with them. The only way out is through. I've learned an important strategy that I use when I am experiencing an uncomfortable emotion that makes me want to seek out a way to stifle it, or numb it, or push it down, or distract myself from it. I simply name the emotion. It sounds silly, but I say to myself (either out loud, or in my head, depending on what the situation calls for) "I am feeling (emotion). It's okay, it's only temporary, and I won't feel this way forever, but I feel this way right now." For me, just acknowledging and naming the emotion passing through me is a powerful tool that lets me sit with the discomfort and know that I will not always feel that way. Allowing yourself to feel the emotion also allows you to be able to control your actions or reactions to the emotion. Controlling your emotions is not about stuffing down your emotions or not facing them. You need to feel your feelings.

4. Everything you are seeking from others, you can give to yourself.

I used to hate hearing people say things like this, and it sounds extrememely corny, so I understand if you're like, "thanks, I hate it," right now. I used to think this too, and it's true, you can't give yourself everything you need. You can't give yourself CPR, for example. There are certain things you need from other people. However, if you find yourself continuosly seeking external validation, like I have, with time, self love, patience, and therapy, it's possible to seek validation from within. All the love that you give to other people, give it to yourself, too. It sounds cheesy, I know.

5. The reasons we are the way that we are usually go back to our childhoods.

This one is obvious, again, but our childhoods and relationships with our parents and caretakers shape who we are. Our family members/caretakers are the first other humans we interact with, so they can influence things such as how we handle conflict, or how we view our role within our group. Everyone has a different family dynamic, and it's important to understand your own unique history. Therapy has helped me unpack a lot of my upbringing to understand why I am the way that I am.