3 Signs of Emotional Immaturity.

Relationships are fragile. People are imperfect, wants and desires can clash, and sometimes we are just plain selfish.

When someone on whom we depend emotionally lets us down, many people respond in one of three, ultimately destructive ways:

1. Sulk.

We become distraught and refuse to explain the problem. Our pride has been damaged due to our internal fragility, so we hope people understand their error without us having to do anything.

For years now, I have been an avid online Chess player. A few years ago, I introduced my brother-in-law to the game, and he seemed to enjoy playing. We would play daily, and I was happy to share my limited knowledge of the wonders and history of the world’s most fantastic strategy game.

As time went on, I happily answered all his questions, sent him books, notes, and articles. No question was too much trouble. As well as sharing an apparent love of Chess, I felt I had made a deeper connection with him and that we had also become friends.

Then one day, it all stopped. The games we were playing timed out, and my brother-in-law ignored my messages. The friendship appeared over.

For reasons which, to this day, are only known by him, he had decided that not only did he no longer enjoy Chess, but he no longer wanted to talk to me.

This rejection immediately took me back to my school days, and I had a nasty emotional reaction.

I never reached out and spoke to him, and I did not attempt to explain what was wrong or address the problem.

I was incredibly fragile, and I expected him to understand how the situation made me feel without explanation. Indeed, I would know that, at the very least, such behaviour was rude and socially abnormal, so why wouldn’t he?

2. Become Furious.

We react disproportionately angry, which signifies that a person is broken inside and is an admission of terror.

This is the more typical way that I have reacted for most of my adult life. Once I had toughened myself up from my school days, I truly believed this was the ideal way to respond. I aggressively confronted any perceived slight because I wanted people to see me as tough, but inside I was fighting to hold it all together.

Just after University, I did some part-time work at an off-license. It was in a rough area, and I worked alone until 11:30 pm each night. I had to deal with many unsavoury characters, but this is what I wanted. I was tough right?

The most significant source of conflict came from having to ask for ID to enable a customer to buy alcohol. On one such occasion, a guy took offence at the request, took some orange juice instead and threw a coin at me.

Not only was the coin insufficient for the juice, but it hit me, triggering a furious reaction.

I jumped over the counter and reached the door just as he was climbing into a car and shouted, with much profanity, that he was banned.

At that point, he emerged from the car alongside a friend and approached me. Despite a sucker punch, I held my own, and they drove away amid threats of coming back to get me later.

I felt elated after this. In my mind, I was no longer a coward. I was now a brave man. This is what being tough felt like, right?

3. Go Cold.

We put up a wall of indifference. We feel vulnerable, so we insist we didn’t notice the slight and didn’t care anyway. But is this true?

This response may also stem from an attempt to “be the better person”. Society constantly tells us to “rise above it” or “turn the other cheek”, and we may be trying to do that here even though we do not feel that way.

In my last job, my line manager was full of compliments. He told me that one other colleague and I were the best performers on the team and that he was very impressed with my work.

When this manager was away, someone else had to step in and be the acting manager. I assumed it would be me. After all, I was in the top two, and I had more experience than the other person, which is usually the requirement.

This time it was not to be. The boss gave the role to my rival with not a hint of explanation.

It hurt me, and I felt slighted, overlooked and rejected. By all measures, that position was mine.

So I pretended I didn’t care, hadn’t expected it and hadn’t noticed any problem. I carried on as usual and let the animosity ferment.

One of the most significant aspects of being human is the capacity to change. We can reinvent ourselves at any moment of the day.

Thankfully, we can learn as adults to mature emotionally, much like learning a new language. Ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of, and we can continually improve, return to the classroom and learn.

1. The Capacity to Explain.

As an alternative to sulking, we could explain to the relevant person why we are upset. We can find the words to make ourselves understood and cease viewing the person as an enemy.

With my Chess example above, I could have explained to my brother in law that I was upset because I felt used and cast aside like an old sock.

Communication would have helped me no end as I would not have bottled up my feelings, and it would have given him a chance to respond. Maybe he had a different view of what occurred than I did. Only by discussion could we thrash out our difficulties.

2. The Capacity to Stay Calm.

Robust self-assertion can come later. There is no need to overreact immediately or return like for like.

When the customer threw the coin at me, I could have paused, taken some deep breaths, and let it go. The consequences of my anger could have been far-reaching, and I might have been hurt or arrested. As a result of acting immediately, I did not think things through carefully.

If you take one thing from this article, let it be to always create space between the stressor and your response.

I now achieve this by taking a walk if things get heated with someone, particularly a loved one. Taking a walk stops me from saying something I will regret, clears the mind so I can come up with solutions, and helps me get exercise at the same time.

After the walk, clearer heads inevitably prevail.

3. The Capacity to be Vulnerable.

Make peace with the idea that being close to someone opens you to being hurt. If you are trying to get through life without pain, you are wasting your time. Pain is an inevitable consequence of being alive.

We cannot control other people. All we can control is ourselves. Therefore we cannot predict when others will respond to us in a way that leaves us vulnerable.

While some degree of pain is inevitable, remember that our reaction to the situation causes the suffering, not the problem itself.

By working on ourselves, we gain greater control over our minds, reducing our suffering, regardless of how others behave.

When you have this confidence that you can handle whatever comes your way, opening up and showing vulnerability are no longer problems that will stand in the way of getting close to others.

Conclusion.

The ability to keep calm, explain yourself articulately and allow people to see that you are human will serve you well in every aspect of your relationships with other people.

From business dealings to finding a partner, clear and calm communication will make you stand out from the crowd and command the respect that you deserve.

If you aren’t there yet, that is fine. Start taking small steps in the right direction. The important thing is to start.