3 Not-So-Obvious Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become the most widely discussed Cluster B personality disorder in recent years. Rightly so considering it is estimated that up to 5% of the population may qualify for this diagnosis. Of course, this percentage can only be estimated because so few people who display narcissistic personality disorder traits ever seek a diagnosis.

According to the Mayo Clinic, people with NPD all display a similar array of character traits including:

"…an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse knows all too well how painful the experience can be. And while there are thousands of articles written about obvious signs someone is a narcissist, I'd like to share three not-so-obvious signs that I learned the hard way.

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My relationship with a cover narcissist ended a little over two years ago and I'm still sorting through the mess he left me in. Looking back there were signs. So many signs. I just didn't know how to decode "narcissism" then. Now that I do, I hope I can prevent others from experiencing the same kind of pain.

Without further ado, here are 3 not-so-obvious signs you're dealing with a narcissist.

1. There is No Emotion Behind Their Supposed Adoration

Does the person you're trying to figure out shower you with kind words? Proclamations of adoration? Love? Wonderful! However, do the words feel empty? Is there are lack of true emotion behind their eyes? If so, they might be a narcissist.

My ex could go on and on about how connected he felt to me, how much he loved me and blah, blah, blah. However, internally I often questioned if he meant it. I remember wondering how he could say such beautiful words and yet look so blank when he said them. Too often, the words sounded and felt rehearsed.

Narcissistic people are typically extremely intelligent and masters of observation. They know what they are supposed to say and when they are supposed to say it. However, they do not have the ability to feel the emotions they claim to portray.

If a person's words feel empty, they are.

2. They are Overly Calm in Otherwise Extreme Situations

If you've watched the documentary, "American Murder: The Family Next Door," I can point out an example of this. The first example is when Chris first arrives at the house to look for his wife. The officer has a bodycam on and they are all looking around the house. At one point, Chris picks up his wife's phone and says, "her phone is still here."

Do you see how calm he is trying to be? Overly calm. He's saying what he thinks he is supposed to say and going through the motions of how he thinks he should react, however, he's not showing the right level of emotion. A truly worried husband would have been freaking out at that moment.

The second example is when they are at the neighbor's house reviewing footage of Chris leaving for work that morning. Chris has a blank, level look in his eyes. He's doing everything he can to appear calm. What's interesting is he's keeping his face and voice composed, but his body language is tense and jumpy. The first time I saw that scene, I almost puked because it gave me a flashback.

One time, I received a random message via Facebook from an obviously fake account asking me why I was dating a married man. Of course, I freaked out and asked him who the heck would send a message like that and why. He was calm as a cucumber. Instead of freaking out (like I was) and wanting to figure out why someone would say something like that, he barely reacted. He dismissively asked me why I would "entertain such a ridiculous accusation" and told me to block the person (so I did…) In retrospect, as calm as he was trying to look and sound, he was bouncing his leg and tapping a finger the whole time…. like he was about to jump out of his skin.

Coincidence? I think not.

Another more recent example is the bodycam footage of Brian Laundrie when he and Gabby Petito were stopped by the police after he had been seen slapping her by the person who initially called the cops. Gabby appears emotionally distraught and in a state of shock. Brian, on the other hand, is calm. He's joking around - and even smirking as Gabby takes the blame on herself.

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If someone is overly calm in a moment when most people would be having big reactions, take note. Or run.

PS -  it turned out that my ex was definitely married, however, I never figured out who sent that message or why the person wasn't more intentional about exposing him then.

3. They Answer Questions You Didn't Ask with Elaborate Stories

If a person starts telling you an elaborate story to explain away something you didn't even notice, that's a major red flag. It screams guilty conscience. Keep your eyes open for this type of behavior because it's very easy to overlook if you're not paying attention. Especially if you're kneck deep in emotional manipulation and have been programmed not to question things.

I have a hundred examples of this from my relationship, but here is my favorite one.

Not long before I finally found out the truth, he had to go to New Orleans for two weeks. His job was headquartered there and it was time for yearly training. I could do my job from anywhere in the country so I planned to visit him the second week he was there. (He'd told me he'd be too busy the first week.) When I walked into his hotel room he started to explain to me that there was half and half in the mini-fridge…but he'd bought it to put in his hot chocolate… which he went downstairs to drink every morning.

….What?

First of all, I knew he hated coffee which would explain why he felt the need to justify this mysterious half and half in his fridge, however, I doubt I would have noticed it was there had he not pointed it out. Also, who the heck puts half and half in hot chocolate? Plus I'd never even seen him drink hot chocolate in the two years we'd been together. AND, even if he did, wouldn't they have half and half downstairs in the lobby where the hot cholcoate would be?

I had so many questions. I didn't ask them, though. He'd convinced me I was paranoid and overanalytical at this point. And I didn't want to start a fight the second I'd arrived.

Anyway, turned out the wife I didn't know existed had been there with him the week before and that half and half was hers. Fun times.

Conclusion

Toxic people are everywhere and so we're bound to meet a few during the course of our lives. If we're not acutely aware of their behavior patterns, it can be easy to fall into the trap. It has only been in retrospect that I've been able to see these signs clearly.

If you're reading this, chances are you're suspicious of someone in your life. I'd like to point out that being suspicious is probably the biggest sign that something isn't right. That being said, I'm hopeful this information will help you better assess your situation.

Take care of your heart. You deserve the best.