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Prostate Cancer Killed Him

By Lucinet Luna - The Author Published 3 years ago 4 min read
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Photo by Becca Lavin on Unsplash

Most of the memories with Rafael are of pain, there is not one time when he took me, when it didn't hurt; I think I just learned to block out the pain and let my body shut down, until it was over, the thing is my body never learned to recognize any different when it came to sex. My first orgasm was at 30, my most memorable sexual encounter was at 30 as well, my body learned to recognize different at 30. There is much more detail where those two sentences came from, but for now I'll say that being rape; once or a million times marks not only your brain but your body.

His thing was wrapping my hair around his hand, I always had long, sandy hair: that was his silent proposition, he wouldn't pull, he would just hold it to the back on my neck while tears ran down my cheeks, and my voice sang to deaf ears. He romanticized my body, he liked to kiss my back, and softly caress my ass, while he asked me to close my eyes, he would whisper how lucky he was; I never understood why he was so gentle while causing so much pain.

I remembered when my body started taking shape, I was afraid that he would notice; oh but he did, he commented on my shape constantly, telling my mom that she should really watch how I dressed, I wish I would've had the balls to tell her that she should really watch the animal she was sleeping with, but I would just put my head down and change my outfit, to later hear how the jeans hugged my curves, but he didn't want no one looking at me the way he did. I learned to shut off any reaction, I learned to listen, he mastered the fear of talking, of crying, so when he wrapped my hair around his knuckle my body would freeze.

Once I was developed, he started asking me what I felt, he wanted me to talk to him, and he would beg me to cum with him; I would just start at the ceiling, imagining that I was in a field of flowers, happy, instead of under his body weight frozen.

I felt helpless once he figured out my cycle, he wouldn't touch me when I had my period, but eventually when my mother's cycle sync with mine, he figured out when and for how long; I don't think my mother gave this information maliciously, I think he had a way to fish for the exact information he needed, so when he did, he planned. My mother had an 8 day cycle, I always had a 3 day cycle, so often I was making up for his time lost with her.

20 year old, I've spent the night out, I knew my mother was headed to FL, and I knew that I couldn't wait for anyone to save me, so I needed to save myself, my hands were shaking as I went up to the 4th fl, my body sweating, with anxiety, I knew that if I didn't fight the next 7 days would be a nightmare. My body slammed on the door, and the pain spread on my face within seconds, I felt my lip bust and tears started to rolled down, and for a split of a second I gave up, but then a side of me that I had no idea of, showed up, she was confidant, she was smart, she was right on time; he had never seen her before, so when she looked at him in the eyes as her knee hit his balls, he just fell: the next couple of seconds were a blur, I have no idea where the strength to open the door, and run as fast as I could came from but, till this day I know that it was the strongest side of me who saved me.

For years, I would wake up crying and run to the door to lock it over and over again, until I was able to go back to bed, for years I didn't feel my body, for years I didn't trust my body, sex was something that I had to fight my mind to have, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't know how to feel pleasure without remembering the pain; a healthy sex life was not something I had until well into my adulthood.

The hardest part about being a rape victim, is that people often paint your demons, unable to see the scars that deepen as your body matures, as you experience life; as you start to trust your body, as you begin to feel a foreign touch, when your body learns about permission; the day I was asked " are you sure ? " was the day, my body started recognizing consent; that's the day my body started trusting my mind, my feelings.

Rafael took the most precious part of me, my innocence, but he neglected to take my determination to heal myself, to be my own hero.

recovery
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About the Creator

Lucinet Luna - The Author

I've written two books; I decided to keep my blog, because healing is like an onion and I want to see the process, I want to be able to come back and read about all these layers and feel as proud as I am right now.

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