111

September 2017 I decided to leave all I've ever known, to chase the unknown; a man, a feeling, an emotion, a dare: I am still figuring that answer out. In destruction mode, I savaged all I touch, I broke all I worked so hard for in a matter of months.

I had jumped off the Brooklyn bridge, and I was drowning.

Fall of 2018 my heart got shredded, unconscious, bleeding out; a part of me fell on the ground like snow, and it melted away.

2019 was the worst year yet, it was the year that took away so much, the year that left me completely empty.

2020 was the year I and billions of others were forced to sit down; mso here it goes, my love story.

Someone recently asked why do I write coded, as if I didn’t want to tell the whole story, and I could only say “ I don’t want to tell the whole story, some parts are intimate, some parts are just for two people, not the world “ when I decided to write my journey, I didn’t decide to put my dirty laundry up for discussion, I decided that maybe if I tell my story, that someone might find healing like I have. So, I write coded, and at times it might be too coded, but the message is still written.

The reason I never spoke about my childhood, the rape, the separation and the endless adult decisions I had to take as a child was because I didn’t think it was worth talking about, I didn’t think a kid just like me, might feel heard or understood if I did talk about it; now, I know that I am the voice of a group of people in their 30’s that have had to feed their younger brothers or sisters, that had to become an adult at such a tender age, that had to skip sleep to do their own homework: to you, I hear you, I see you, you did amazing.

The misconception about writing is that we find ourselves demanding to know more, more details, more depth, just more; is human nature. So though it might not be in detail, I am going to write how I fell in love with myself, because maybe someone that needs a cheerleader is reading 111, maybe someone who is not sure why they are in the middle of a tornado needs some reassurance that they will be ok, or maybe someone who loves my writing is reading and drinking tea.

In 2018 I was a disaster, I did, said, behaved like an airhead, I was hurting people that had nothing to do with the reason I was hurt, I was uncensored, unbothered, I was so damaged that if you saw me out, you would’ve surely felt threatened. I was my biggest enemy, my worst nightmare, I was someone I didn’t recognize at all, and what hurt the most is that the people I love, saw this iceberg, saw this tornado and they did, nothing. I was walking home, the morning after and as I came closer to my mom’s house, I started crying, I wanted to scream that I needed help, I just did not know how. I stopped and I contemplated never walking into my mother’s house again; not because I didn’t want to be a mom, not because I didn’t want to face the life I’ve created, but because I felt so empty, I felt like no one would even notice.

I was struggling to understand why it was all happening, why my world was falling apart, why now? To describe this year as a year under water, is an understatement but to be honest, 12 months of torture were enough to shake me to my core, I was not done hurting myself but I was done feeling sorry for myself; so I picked up myself from the ground and started working hard on my next step; moving out of a toxic ass household.

December 1st, 2018, I moved into my very first apartment in Brooklyn, NY with my then 2-year-old, our first meal at home was pizza.

2019 came in and I felt alive, I felt like I was slowly but surely getting myself to a better place, and although I was still hurting myself with love, I was undoubtedly beginning to make better life decisions; or so I thought.

As soon as he turned me around I felt that feeling in your tummy that you feel when something horrible is about to happen, but we were both consumed with passion and I was peaking my pleasure, before I knew it, I turned around to stare at him in disbelief, oblivious to what he had just done or maybe careless to admit he stared back, as the words left my mouth, I felt the pressure of terror on my chest as I tried to make sense out of what had just happened; pregnancy was out of the question at this point in my life, I was too weak, I was just starting to be ok.

February 16, 2019 I woke up feeling like my body was trying to kill me, my head hurt, my throat hurt and worst of all I had befriended the toilet that morning; I am not going to say that I didn’t think of the possibility for weeks, awaiting the symptoms, I had carefully noted days and was ready for a negative, because what were the odds that I would get pregnant after a scarred uterus at 16 and an IUI at 28; so you can imagine how that went, I stared at my bathroom cabinet for what felt like days, thoughts in my head, unable to think straight, unable to feel straight.

It all happened so fast, I held the pill on my hand, tears streamed down my cheeks; the nurse tried to comfort me, I don’t know exactly what she was saying, because I couldn’t hear, all I could hear was the pounding of my heart, the incredible amount of resentment that built as I continued to make the hardest decision of my life, alone.

The worst part of an abortion is waiting for it to happen, yea, you go to the doctor and you drink this pill in front of a nurse and then they give you this paper that says that in 24 to 48 hours you’ll begin to bleed like a period, they say to stay home and drink lots of water for a faster recovery. I read that paper twice. I went home, and I prayed, I prayed that I would be forgiven, I cried, I vomited, I cried, and I vomited, that is all I did that night.

It lasted about a week, the blood that is, the horrific motion of feeling like a murderer lasted months.

February 22, 2019, I got a call back from an interview I did nearly two weeks before and was congratulated on the 60k, I stood looking out of the J train window, speechless because this call had just changed my life financially, but I felt like I just robbed a bank.

I turned 30 years old March 22, 2019, I was making more than I’ve ever made in my whole life, and I was finally able to afford daycare, rent, food, pizza night; I was finally able to be financially free, everything around me was flourishing, but my insides were as cold as a corpse.

April 2019 after breaking down, throwing table centerpieces and books, and whatever else was on the table off and punching the same table, hoping it would want to fist fight just so I can feel external pain, I was so angry, I was frustrated, I hated my smile, I hate pretending that I was happy when all I wanted was to say was I am sorry to someone I’ve never met. I needed to take all this anger out, I needed a way to help release this pain, so I scheduled a therapy session after being MIA for months, and as soon as I sat down in front of the computer with Kelly, all I did was cry.

“I believe that though we wanted that soul to be ours, it was never meant to be “

“I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you “

October 2019, I had the opportunity to go to an all women empowerment weekend, it was the most amazing experience I’ve been part of, there I released Rafael, this retreat is the reason you guys read 104. I was healing, I was finally flourishing inside, and I felt like I had a shot at being the best version of myself.

December 3rd, 2019, I argued with dad because he had just gotten extubated that morning so he was not allowed to drink lots of water or eat, but he kept wanting water, I kissed him on his forehead and I joked “ you are a pain in butt” and I laughed, he laughed. It was 8pm and the nurse had just told me that he was doing exceptionally and that his vitals were improving and that I should home and rest. So I started getting my coat and stuff on and as I did he started trying to get off the bed, I laughed and said “ where are you going?” and he said “ home” and I said “ you are going home as soon as you get better “ I am crying as I write this because I now know what he meant by “home”.

I kissed him one last time and said so loosely “I’ll see you tomorrow afterwork”. I left, I walked out of Wyckoff hospital complete for the last time that day.

December 4th, 2019 I sat in room 1 in the Wyckoff hospital ICU unit, unable to say goodbye, my arms wrapped his cold body, but I couldn’t let go, the piece of me that kept me alive was gone and I wanted to be gone with him. My mom held my shoulders and whispered in my right ear that I needed to say goodbye, it's been more than 2 hours and the family needed to say their goodbyes too. I cannot lie and say that I did not feel like ripping everyone’s head off, I cannot lie and say that I felt like I was in familiarity with my family. I left Wycoff hospital at almost 1am, completely broken that day.

2019 broke me in ways that I am not sure anyone else would have survived, I am strong, I am resilient, I am a storm, I destroyed myself and put myself back together. I am a Goddess.

2020 started and a whole pandemic took over, I turned 31, coparenting started to make sense with a schedule that benefit the four of us, my oldest got impressively good at technology and my youngest started school as the youngest 3 soon to be 4 pre-kinder, I spent 3k on a puppy, I re-homed her because trying to replace a love like my dad’s was not reason enough to get a puppy. I began to paint, I began to write my story, I began to re-bond with my kids, I began letting go of the pieces of me that no longer made me happy, I began making life friends, instead of situational friends, I began to take care of my body, I began to eat healthier, I began to fall in love with myself. I am now, so in love because I've endured crazy, I've endured painful but still I keep choosing me, I keep on choosing to breathe, to love, to extend because my heart learned that resentment, hate or any other form of judgement no longer fits in my soul.

December 2nd , 2020 I am doing good, I am happy, I am hoping that love find its way to me, I am hoping that my kids see me as their best friend too, I am happy dad got to leave with our love and support, and not saying goodbye via video, I am happy that 2020 sat us all down, made us rethink, made us remodeled our habits, our wants, TikTok though another virtual platform, has proven that real passion, real art and real unity exists.

December 31st, 2020 I plan to take a shot and remember that what doesn’t break you, makes you.