When Coming Out Means Losing Everything

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination.

Leviticus 18:22

A pastor quoted this bible verse when I asked why he thinks same-sex unions are unacceptable.

God forbids homosexuality. That was the premise of his argument.

As time went by, I talked myself out of engaging in a healthy debate with religious people regarding LGBTQIA rights. I figured it’s futile since they always find ways to weaponize the bible to justify their homophobic views.

I live in the Philippines, where 86% of the population adheres to the Christian faith. I’m also currently in a relationship with another woman for three years.

Being part of the LGBTQIA community isn’t illegal in our country. We don’t go through severe punishments such as stoning to death or life imprisonment. But that doesn’t mean we’re fully accepted here.

You see, our culture is built upon the foundations of our religious beliefs and traditional family values. LGBTQIA rights just don’t fit in the same mold.

Same-sex couples still can’t file for civil union or joint adoption. As someone in a lesbian relationship, I feel we’re deprived of the same rights that straight couples get to enjoy.

Most of us are terrified of expressing our true identity because we don’t want to experience discrimination. In a conservative society, coming out is both a pipe dream and a privilege.

Here’s a closer look at the plight of the LGBTQIA community in a predominantly Christian country.

Growing Pains

I had my first crush when I was ten. I felt so guilty about it. Not because I knew I was too young to have feelings for someone, but because it felt wrong to be attracted to girls.

Growing up, I was so confused about my sexual orientation. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t okay to be a lesbian, because it would disappoint my family.

My uncle is a priest, so I got labeled as “the priest’s niece” quite a lot. I had to pretend I was doing everything right ‘cause I was sharing the same last name as my uncle.

It wasn’t fun trying to be Ms. Perfect all the time. From the outside, I put up a façade that I was pulling myself together. No one saw I was only forcing myself to go along with the standards of heteronormativity to please my relatives.

Tina Boado, a lesbian influencer and human rights advocate, shared similar sentiments as I did. When she came out, it was a tough pill to swallow for her Christian family.

Life would be tough if you weren’t straight… This is what she told herself when she was in denial about her attraction to other women.

Coming out to a religious family is like a gamble. In my case, it was terrifying to think the people I lean on all my life could turn their backs on me in an instant. Still, I wanted to show the real me to the people who matter most in my life.

Eventually, I found the courage to come out to my mom. There was no drama at all. I simply said, “Mom, I’m a lesbian.” She was shocked and she couldn’t fathom it at first.

But as I became more comfortable showing who I am, my family eventually came to terms with the fact that I’m attracted to women.

No one told me that everything was going to be okay if I came out. That’s why I can’t blame someone who stays in the proverbial closet… People’s acceptance isn’t guaranteed, not even from our families.

My girlfriend hasn’t introduced me to her family yet and I completely understand where she’s coming from. She’s scared she’ll get kicked out of their house if her family found out about our relationship.

In a conservative society, coming out isn’t ideal. We risk losing our family’s approval for the sake of being honest about who we truly are.

No Place For Us in Heaven

Lloyd Cafe Cadena, one of the most popular vloggers in the Philippines, passed away in 2020. He was best known for his funny antics, generous persona, and humble demeanor. The public also knew he was gay.

When the news broke out about his death, I watched one of his last vlogs to read how his fans reacted. As expected, there was an outpour of love and condolences from his viewers. But a few homophobic comments stood out to me.

“There’s no redemption for him now. He won’t be allowed in God’s kingdom because he was gay,” said one comment.

For some folks, Cadena’s contribution to his community won’t give him a free pass to heaven. They seemed to forget his benevolent acts, such as giving tablets to thousands of students for online learning at the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

That’s the thing. No matter how kind or generous the LGBTQIA community is, many people still believe we’re immoral. They assume there’s no place for us in heaven because we “chose” what we are.

In the eyes of religious fanatics, our sexual behavior is an anomaly to the laws of God and nature. It’s not surprising that a certain athlete-turned-politician believes that LGBTQIA members behave worse than animals.

Most conservative folks claim there are no “gay” animals. But if only they did their research, they would discover that some animals display homosexual behaviors too.

I rest my case.

Hiding In Plain Sight

I quit my first job because I was afraid of being exposed as a lesbian. I was perfectly fine going through the motions of my work… Until I wasn’t anymore.

Back then, I just came to realize I’m more into women than men. I didn’t want to make a fuzz out of it, but I always felt anxious… What if one of my colleagues discovers I like women?

In the office, my colleagues were always talking about their family life and I was just an observer. Some of them even asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I wanted to settle down soon. Back then, I was only considering dating women, but I didn’t want to admit that to anyone.

I didn’t want to be treated differently because I chose to date the same gender. So, I was always walking on eggshells at work.

It turned out my inhibitions were valid. According to a United Nations study, 30 percent of LGBTI respondents in the Philippines said they experienced bullying, discrimination, or harassment in their workplace.

The respondents described their negative experiences in the workplace. Many of them had co-workers making jokes about their gender, gossiping, or even making derogatory comments about how they dress, act or speak.

I felt so uncomfortable in my old workplace that I realized I didn’t want to be there anymore. Good thing I have other skills to change my career path. I was lucky because many Filipinos don’t have a choice but to stick to their current jobs.

The Philippines doesn’t have specific laws that protect the LGBTQIA community in the workplace. Hence, many LGBTQIA workers endure discrimination and harassment at work just to make a decent living.

Redefining Traditional Gender Roles

“So, which one of you is the guy?”

My mom asked when I introduced my first girlfriend to her. It’s a silly question, so I told her the obvious… There’s no guy in our relationship.

I think what she meant to ask was, “who’s more dominant in the relationship?”

You see, we live in a patriarchal society. Men make most of the decisions in the household because we consider them the family providers while women are nurturers. That’s the traditional Filipino family setup the media portrays.

As a child, it was rare to see LGBTQIA representation on Philippine TV. Gay characters in movies and shows were often ridiculed — even worse, beaten up for the sake of slapstick comedy.

Our basic curriculum in high school doesn’t delve deep into SOGIE (Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Expression). But it was compulsory to take a Religion class.

It seemed my classmates and I were indoctrinated that there are only two genders: male and female. In fact, no one picked to be on the PRO same-sex marriage side during debates in the hopes of gaining some brownie points from our teacher.

God only created Adam and Eve… Not Adam and Steve. (An active Church member included that in her testimony during a Sunday service I attended).

You see, the Philippines has changed A LOT since we became an independent nation. We’ve already proven that traditional gender roles are outdated… Women can be providers, while men can be nurturers as well.

More Filipinos will eventually accept the LGBTQIA community as long as we open the discourse about gender and equality.

Fighting for Equality

Jenifer Laude… Madonna Nierra… Jessa Remiendo… Say their names.

They are only three of more than 50 transgender or non-binary individuals who were brutally killed in the Philippines since 2010.

Those who are brave enough to express their gender identities don’t get recognized and praised in our country. Instead, they are more likely to get harassed, catcalled, or even assaulted.

So, I stand with my fellow LGBTQIA members when we say: we had enough!

We fully support the SOGIE Equality Bill, which aims to prevent discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation, gender identity, or expression.

The passing of this bill will allow us to feel safer in our workplaces, schools, and other public places.

It will be a HUGE step in the right direction knowing our community is protected against gender hate crimes.

Sadly, many church leaders don’t want SOGIE Bill to become a law. They said they support the passing of a general anti-discrimination bill, so they ask the policymakers to remove the ‘gender clause.’

Just like they prohibit divorce in the country to preserve the sanctity of marriage, the church is hindering progress.

Look, we don’t ask for much. We just want to feel more comfortable expressing our gender identities without the fear of getting harmed.

And we will not stop fighting for LGBTQIA rights. No matter how we express our gender, it doesn’t make us less of a human.

Final Thoughts

As I said, we don’t ask for much. We just hope more people recognize our struggle and see where we’re coming from.

Many LGBTQIA couples want to get married and have a family, just like other ‘normal’ couples. We also know our society will not adjust to accommodate our needs. Not anytime soon, at least.

I just don’t see why loving someone, regardless of sex or gender, is wrong. I’m hoping more people would respect that.

Happy Pride Month!