What is a side gay

In the diverse and evolving world of LGBTQ+ identities, language constantly adapts to help people describe their authentic experiences. One term that has gained significant recognition in recent years yet remains unfamiliar to many is "side." If you've come across this term and found yourself confused, you're not alone. The concept of being a "side" challenges common assumptions about gay male sexuality and opens up important conversations about intimacy, desire, and the many ways people connect with one another.

Let's explore what it means to be a side, where the term came from, and why understanding this identity matters for everyone whether you're part of the LGBTQ+ community or an ally seeking to learn more.

The Simple Definition: What Is a Side?

A side is a gay, bisexual, or queer man who does not prefer or enjoy anal intercourse. That's the core of the definition. Sides prefer other forms of sexual intimacy that don't involve penetration activities like oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage (rubbing genitals together), kissing, cuddling, and manual stimulation.

The term "side" was intentionally chosen as an alternative to the traditional "top/bottom" binary that has long dominated gay male sexual culture. If "top" refers to the insertive partner and "bottom" refers to the receptive partner, then "side" describes someone who doesn't fit neatly into either category because they aren't interested in anal sex as their primary or preferred form of intimacy.

It's important to note that being a side is not about being asexual, though some sides may also identify as asexual. Sides experience sexual desire and attraction. They simply express that desire through activities other than anal penetration. It's a preference, not a lack of interest in sex altogether.

Where Did the Term Come From?

The term "side" was coined in 2013 by a gay sex columnist and activist named Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and author who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues. Dr. Kort noticed that many of his clients and readers felt alienated by the top/bottom framework that seemed to define gay male sexuality. They enjoyed sex, they had active fulfilling sex lives, but they didn't fit into the two categories that everyone seemed to take for granted.

In an article for HuffPost (originally published on his website), Dr. Kort introduced the term "side" to give these men a word for their experience. He argued that gay male culture had become overly fixated on anal sex as the "default" or even the "only real" form of sex, leaving many men feeling inadequate or like they were doing something wrong if they didn't enjoy it.

The term spread slowly at first, primarily through online forums and LGBTQ+ media. But over the past decade, "side" has gained significant traction, especially among younger generations who are more comfortable questioning established norms and exploring diverse forms of intimacy. Dating apps like Grindr and Scruff now include "side" as an option in users' profiles, allowing people to communicate their preferences clearly from the start.

Why Is This Distinction Important?

To understand why the term "side" matters, you need to understand the cultural context of gay male sexuality. For decades arguably for centuries gay male identity has been closely tied to anal sex. In many people's minds, being a gay man meant having anal sex. This assumption came from both outside the community (stereotypes about what gay men do) and inside the community (a focus on top/bottom dynamics as organizing principles of sexual identity).

• This created real problems for men who didn't enjoy anal sex. Many felt:
• Invisible: Like their experiences didn't count as "real" gay sex.
• Inadequate: As if something was wrong with them for not wanting what others wanted.
• Pressured: To engage in acts they didn't enjoy just to fit in or please partners.
• Confused: Wondering if their lack of interest meant they weren't "really" gay.

The term "side" solves these problems by validating a legitimate, common preference. It says, "You're not broken. You're not alone. Your way of experiencing intimacy is real and worthy of recognition."

How Common Are Sides?

You might be surprised to learn that sides are not a tiny minority. While comprehensive research is limited, several studies suggest that a significant percentage of gay and bisexual men do not regularly engage in anal sex.

A 2011 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that among a sample of gay and bisexual men, approximately one-third reported not having had anal sex during their most recent sexual encounter. Other studies have produced similar figures, suggesting that sides represent a substantial portion of the community potentially millions of men worldwide.

What these numbers suggest is that the top/bottom framework, while useful for many, has never captured the full diversity of gay male sexual experience. Sides have always existed. They just didn't have a word for themselves until recently.

Common Activities for Sides

So what do sides enjoy? The possibilities are as diverse as the individuals themselves, but common activities include:

Oral Sex: Giving and receiving oral stimulation is often a primary activity for sides. Many sides report that oral sex feels more intimate, more flexible, and more pleasurable for them than anal penetration.

Frottage: Also known as "intercrural sex" or simply "rubbing," frottage involves rubbing genitals together for mutual pleasure. It can be done in various positions and doesn't require any penetration.

Mutual Masturbation: Some sides enjoy masturbating together, either watching each other or touching themselves while engaging with a partner.

Kissing and Touching: For many sides, extended kissing, full-body touching, and sensual caressing are central to their sexual experiences. They prioritize intimacy and connection over specific acts.

Manual Stimulation: Using hands to pleasure a partner whether through stroking, fingering, or other techniques is another common activity.

Toys and Tools: Some sides enjoy using sex toys like vibrators, strokers, or other devices as part of their play. Toys can add variety and intensity without requiring anal penetration.

Cuddling and Aftercare: Many sides place a high value on the emotional and physical intimacy that comes after sexual activity. Cuddling, talking, and simply being close are important parts of their experience.

The key takeaway is that sides have rich, varied, satisfying sex lives. They aren't "missing out" on anything. They've simply chosen a different menu of activities that work better for them.

Addressing Common Misconceptions

Despite growing awareness, several misconceptions about sides persist. Let's address a few:

"Sides are just bottoms who won't admit it." This is false. Sides aren't "closeted bottoms" or "tops in denial." They are men who genuinely do not prefer anal sex in either role. Pressuring a side to "pick a position" misses the point entirely.

"Sides can't have satisfying relationships." Also false. Many sides are in happy, long-term relationships with partners who share or respect their preferences. Communication and compatibility matter more than specific sexual acts.

"Being a side means you're prudish or repressed." Not at all. Many sides are adventurous, creative, and enthusiastic about sex. They simply express that enthusiasm differently.

"Sides are just older men who can't perform anymore." Age has nothing to do with it. Sides exist across all age groups, from young adults just exploring their sexuality to older men who have known their preferences for decades.

"If you're a side, you must be a bottom or top in other ways." This misunderstanding comes from assuming that top/bottom are the only categories. Sides exist outside that binary entirely.

Sides and Relationships

One common question is whether sides can have successful relationships with tops or bottoms. The answer is yes with good communication.

Some sides prefer to date other sides, ensuring compatibility from the start. Others form successful partnerships with tops or bottoms by negotiating their sexual activities. For example:

A side and a top might focus on oral sex, manual stimulation, and frottage, with the top occasionally seeking anal sex elsewhere if the relationship is open, or simply accepting that anal sex isn't on the menu.

A side and a bottom might engage in activities that satisfy the bottom's desire for receptive pleasure without requiring the side to penetrate using toys, fingers, or other methods.

The key is honesty. Sides who hide their preferences to please partners often end up feeling resentful or unsatisfied. Conversely, sides who communicate clearly about what they enjoy and don't enjoy are more likely to find partners who respect and accommodate them.

The Role of Dating Apps

The inclusion of "side" as an option on major dating and hookup apps represents a significant victory for visibility. When users can select "side" alongside "top," "bottom," and "versatile," it normalizes the identity and helps sides find compatible partners more easily.

If you're a side using dating apps, consider including the term in your profile. A simple line like "Side here into oral, frottage, and making out" can save time and prevent awkward conversations later. Similarly, if you're not a side but open to dating one, indicating that in your profile can help you connect with sides who might otherwise assume you're incompatible.

Beyond Gay Men: The Broader Implications

While the term "side" originated within gay male communities, its underlying insight applies more broadly. The idea that sexual intimacy doesn't have to center on penetration is relevant to people of all genders and orientations.

Many heterosexual couples, for example, enjoy sexual activities that don't involve vaginal penetration. Many lesbian couples have rich sex lives without any penetration at all. The side concept validates the simple truth that there are countless ways to experience sexual pleasure, and none of them is inherently more "real" or "legitimate" than others.

In this sense, understanding sides can make all of us more thoughtful about our own assumptions regarding what "counts" as sex.

Conclusion: A Valid, Visible Identity

Being a side isn't a disorder, a phase, or a limitation. It's a legitimate sexual identity one that has always existed but is only now gaining the recognition it deserves. For the men who identify this way, finding the term "side" can be profoundly liberating. It gives them a way to say, "This is who I am, and that's okay."

If you're a side reading this, know that you're not alone. Millions of men share your preferences. You deserve partners who respect your boundaries and share your enthusiasm for the kinds of intimacy you genuinely enjoy.

If you're not a side, understanding this identity can make you a better partner, a better friend, and a better ally. It reminds us all that sexuality is diverse, that labels should serve us rather than confine us, and that there's always room for new words when old ones don't fit.

In the end, the most important thing isn't which label you use it's that you feel seen, respected, and free to love and connect in the ways that feel most authentic to you.