Religious Hypocrisy, Trauma And Pride Month

First of all, Happy Pride to everyone, whether you are LGBTQIA+ or an Ally. Let’s all fly that beautiful rainbow of flags and support each other.

TRUTHFULLY, I’M SCARED

I have had to think very seriously about actually writing this post. Truth told, just the thought of hitting ‘Publish’ on this, terrifies me.

But I am sick and tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not, and I am choosing to believe that though there may be some haters, there are also an awful lot of people out there, who may well have been through similar.

CHURCH TRAUMA

I recently published a piece about Church Trauma, (which you can find here, if you are interested). In that piece, I detail some of my experiences at the hands of several of the church leadership.

This is one of the things that I didn’t include in that post.

A month or so after starting to attend that church, a member of the leadership asked to meet with me at a coffee shop.

This was not an unusual occurrence, and I agreed, and went along at the arranged time. That meeting was possibly one of the most distressing, and inappropriate conversations of my life.

NAIVE

I should add here that I was a very new Christian, and that I was, at that time, in a committed relationship with another woman. I hadn’t gone so far as to label myself as one thing or another. To be quite frank, sex has never been particularly high on my radar, of a number of reasons, but that’s another post entirely.

Back to that day. I met with this leader, who told my quite specifically that they had had to meet me in a public place, so as to not draw suspicion (because, clearly I would have jumped on them otherwise *eyeroll *).

AN INQUISITION

This person then proceeded to question me in-depth about my sexuality, and my sex life. It felt so invasive, and uncomfortable to have someone that, in reality, I barely knew, start to ask me about those things, when I would not even talk to my best friend about it.

This person felt that it was their right, as a church leader to ask some pretty intimate questions; questions that shocked me, and that I wasn’t prepared for in any way.

As someone in a position of authority, they felt entitled to put me in a position where I was made to feel ashamed, and like I was doing something wrong, and dirty, and disgusting.

“SINNER”

I was told that I was “Actively sinning.”

The leader said that they could not understand how I was able to worship in the way I was, whilst sinning.

I have never forgotten those words. That memory is forever imprinted on my brain. I can actually hear their voice asking the question inside my head when I think of that memory.

Now, I understand that there are things in the Bible, which speak against homosexuality. I’m not disputing that.

JESUS=LOVE

But, Jesus loves /everyone/. He accepts /everyone/. And if that’s the case for Jesus, then the church, which is also called “the body of Christ” has no excuse for making someone feel this bad.

The leader told me that all the while that I was in a relationship with a woman, then they would not be able to let me volunteer in the church in a public way. If I wanted to volunteer, it would have to be behind the scenes.

RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY

The hypocrisy of this was lost on me at the time. I was in my early twenties, new to church, and desperate for acceptance.

The thing is, looking back at it now, I am absolutely horrified that I accepted this, and at the time, I was so desperate to fit in, that I ended up assuring the leader that I was not, in fact, having sex with my partner (this was the truth- like I said, sex isn’t a big deal for me).

The leader then turned around and tried to label my relationship as a very close friendship. He told me that I was probably asexual (which was considered acceptable).

WHY I’M SPEAKING UP NOW

I’ve thought about this a lot in the last few days, and when my best friend sent me an image of a flag, and said “Happy Pride!” To me, I realised that it is time that I told this story.

This decision was further compounded when I visited my 18 year old niece, who came out at age 12. She has shared a number of stories with me of people not accepting her for who she is.

She inspires me every day with her unwavering commitment to be who she is, regardless of anyone’s responses. She is unapologetically herself in a way that I would never have been at her age.

The thing is, when I think of Jesus, I think of love. Jesus was, and is, and will be love. He tells us to love one another, and the behaviour of that leader on that day was not loving. It was distressing and confusing and traumatic, and it was not okay.

WE HAVE THE RIGHT

I guess what I’m trying to say with this post, is that we, as a community, already have the odds set against us, but when it comes down to it, WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT to be seen exactly as we are. We have the right to make our own decisions and to feel comfortable in our own skin.

The truth is, I am still working out who I am, and that was made so much harder by that person’s behaviour. I internalised so much guilt and hate for myself, and that’s not okay.

No one EVER has the right to make you feel like the person in this made me feel.

Don’t let anyone dull your light. If you find yourself in a similar situation, listen to the warning signs, trust your gut, and if you possibly can, get yourself out.

It has taken me over ten years to realise what a damaging place that church was for me, and I can honestly say that I still have an awful lot of work to do to overcome that trauma.

NOT ALONE

As a community, we have a fight that only we can understand, so as I end this post, I want to say to anyone reading this, I am one of you.

I am here for you.

If you need an ally, or a listening ear.

Let’s build up the community even further so that in time, no one else will have to deal with what I went through, and worse.