On the Merits of Being Out

This essay was previously published on the website Leatherati in 2015. I wrote it and hold all rights to the content.

On November 1st, 2015, Mr. Hardy Haberman presented his keynote address, “Welcome to the War on Sex,” at Leather Fiesta, an annual celebratory and educational event for kinksters, held in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In his powerful speech, Hardy claimed that now that the LGBT Rights campaign has been essentially won, those who fight us have moved on to the Transgender community as their next target. Our enemies’ goal? To instill fear into the hearts and minds of the American public. When they lose this battle, for they will lose this fight too, who will be next? Hardy predicts, and I agree with his assessment, that the next fight will be against leather folk, kinksters, and BDsM in general. With varied communities under our header, ranging from leather-clad gay men to dykes who ride on bikes, twinks in puppy gear to whip-wielding women who dominate men, and an environment that fosters openly pleasurable relationships between individuals of one, many, or no gender, individuals of differing orientations and with sexual proclivities that would shake the conservative base to the core, “they” will have much material with which to maintain the Puritanical status quo that sex is dirty, bodies are bad, and desires should be kept secret or expunged via criminal prosecution, brainwashing, or violence. Hardy offered a number of means with which we may combat this coming inquisition, and among these means was that we as a group need to be open. I have read and heard numerous diatribes from countless individuals who rail against being out for this reason and that, we all have. I am tired of hearing about all the things that we can’t do; that we are not supposed to do. I do not believe that outness is right for every person, but I am 100% out and open. I refuse to live in closets and I have had positive experiences as a result. Being out has been the best choice for me because it has given me a chance to break misconceptions, inspire those who are unsure, and protect our community.

The first and most noticeable result of being out is that I don’t have stress about being outed at work, to my parents, or to anyone else. As a man who has sex with men, an educator in the leather world, and all around kinky individual, I could arguably have some things that may be damaging to my character or to my standing if they were told to another person. I made the plunge over a year ago and outed myself in every regard at work, to my parents, and publicly on social media. I was afraid that there would be backlash or scorn, but there was really none. My mother had the typical mom answer: “Whatever makes you happy dear,” that’s all she said. My boss, at the time, had further questions about styles and techniques, my co-workers first thought was of "Fifty Shades," I quickly debunked that thought and helped dispel some misconceptions. I can’t say that I did not lose some people who, to that point, called me their friend. I can’t say that I did not get some people who said that they would pray for me, as if prayer will save me from the path that I have chosen for myself? I have had some friction, but never anything that a little Crisco could not help me see beyond.

Another result has been that I have become a beacon for people who are not able to be, or who think they can be, out. I have been approached by numerous co-workers, friends, and acquaintances with questions, curiosities, and general inquiries of interest or intent. I have introduced at least a dozen people to the lifestyle in some form or fashion and helped dozens of other people, and some of the same people, improve their sex lives; I have testimonials to prove it. To those who would doubt and detract from our cause, I am an example that a kinkoid can appear “normal” and, on the surface, non-threatening, I am invisible in a crowd and can’t be picked out of a lineup; people like to say “you don’t act kinky.” As a gay man, I am masculine and powerful; people like to say: “you don’t act gay.” I am not easy to spot and not quiet about just how much of a beast I am. As an educator, it is a great thing that I do not need to hide my nature nor do I have the need to cower behind a protective pseudonym. My legal name is Saint St. James, when I teach at a conference or when I teach locally, I teach as Saint St. James, I am myself in every regard.

Why do I feel the need to exclaim that my name is Saint St. James? It is so freeing that I do not need to have a persona, a mask to hide my face behind. I am at peace with who and what I am and I don’t suffer a cognitive dissonance regarding what role I am playing at any moment. I am myself, for better or worse, at all times.

The question that this all begs is, does any of this protect me? My answer, absolutely not! I am making myself a target, I do this knowingly. I am, if nothing else, tenacious and I take more than my fair share of slung stones, ill-wrought words, and judgmental glances; I allow them to hit me, enter my body, I chew them up, and I spit them out. I am immune to the barbs and to the stings of a society that thinks that it wants to hate me. Why would I subject myself to this? Because I truly believe that every bullet that hits me will protect the people that walk after me on this path; every heart that I change, every mind that I can help open will change the future. I hope that my example will allow the leather lovers, painful pleasure seekers, and general deviants to live in the light. I dream of the day when the oddity is the norm and when those who would judge and condemn are those that society looks down upon with a hope that they can one day be taught to love.

I may be young, but I am not a fool; I know that being out and open is not for everyone. While it can be frightening, I am proof of the old aphorism, what does not kill me makes me stronger. I am a light in the darkness and a shield in the storm, and I know that there are those who can, will, and do stand beside me. I implore you, freedom fighters in the sexual revolution, if you can stand up, stand up; if you can speak up, speak up. If there are enough people standing and speaking, we can appear as less of a minority; less of a target for our detractors.

My name is Saint St. James and I am kinky.