I Am Asexual

Today is the first day of pride month and you know what that means! The pride community on this site will be very overwhelmed! (But I'm not complaining, go fellow queers, overrun the system) So I figured I'd include my story and what I've learned so far.

Asexuality is very often misunderstood, even within the LGBTQ+ community. For years, I thought of myself as bisexual. I wasn't exactly open about it, but I wouldn't deny it, either. Regardless, I wasn't ashamed to admit it. I had that part of me figured out, or so I thought.

You see, as a child, I would have crushes on cartoon characters, men and women alike. I didn't really understand why, but I didn't think too much about it. After all, I was only really focused on schoolwork, playing make-believe with my favorite toys, and running around outside. It wasn't until I was hitting puberty that I'd started questioning my sexuality. I was born in 1999, right before the height of technology, and growing up, I was given unrestricted access to the internet (yes, I know now that that was a bad idea, but I doubt most caregivers knew next anything about what exactly happened on the internet). Thus, I learned more and more about different sexualities. I wasn't a churchgoer, so there was no religious prejudice that I held, thankfully. I learned about the term "bisexuality" and I just kind of accepted it, and that was that. I carried that term with me for several years before I even remotely suspected something was different about my experience.

I had my fair share of crushes. One or two significant ones over the years. But I had never, not even once, wanted to be intimate with them, or anyone else for that fact, besides the typical hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. I just didn't particularly care for or needed anything beyond that, and that should've been my first clue. But again, I just accepted that I was bisexual, that I was sexually attracted to both men and women.

And honestly? I just carried on like that. I met my significant other, and although we had a rocky relationship when we first started dating, we separated for a few years, then found our way back to each other, after we'd matured emotionally, mentally and physically.

I was always perfectly content with just being around him. I am also on the autistic spectrum, so my need for physical contact is unlike what a neurotypical person would feel. The term "touch-starved" is a completely foreign concept to me. If I am to hold hands, hug or cuddle someone, it needs to be on my own terms, and he respects that, which I appreciate.

I've also struggled with my mental health for most of my life. I figured that my issues with my sex drive were simply a side effect of one of my medicines, or that I just didn't have much of one to begin with. But, as I've come to learn, sex drive has almost nothing to do with sexual attraction. It can influence it, but the two are separate entities of their own.

Sexual desire has to do with how one feels when looking at someone, whether it be a stranger you'd see on your daily commute, a celebrity, or your significant other. An allosexual person, or a person that is not asexual or on the asexual spectrum, would have the desire to be sexually intimate with others. I simply... don't. Looking at anyone does not fuel any sort of sexual desire. I'm well past the age of puberty, and I've never wanted that with anyone.

You may be wondering what my crushes were about, or how my relationship with my partner is. Well, let me explain.

First, my crushes. I've had two significant ones that I've had after hitting puberty. My first was on a schoolmate. He was attractive to me. We didn't know each other well, but I was infatuated with him, and anyone that went to middle school with me knew that all too well, including him. I wanted to know more about him. Wanted to know his likes, his dislikes, what made him smile and laugh, that sort of thing. I even dedicated myself to learning about basketball, one of his interests at the time, though I was definitely not a sporty person. I was heartbroken when he got into relationships. I just wanted to be those girls. But even through hormone-fueled years, I only wanted to hold his hand, or hug him. Maybe even kiss him. But I never got to be one of those girls, and that crush went away.

The second was on a close friend of mine. We sat with each other on the school bus. He never saw me as more than a friend, while I was in love with him. But I never desired him in any other way than just to be close to him, hold his hand, and hug him. He was funny, interesting, he even got me into one of my favorite shows that I still enjoy to this day. I loved being around him. He made my day better, no matter how miserable it was. But again, I never wanted to go any further than that, besides being in an official relationship. Alas, it was never meant to be.

Those things came and went. And as you might have noticed, never went beyond the want of just being near them, but also never went beyond just feelings.

This is where my partner comes into play.

We were in the parking lot of a grocery store, walking back to the car to go home for the day, when he asked me, mainly as a joke, "Are you asexual?", due to my lack of sex drive, which is likely caused by the medicines I take for my mental health. It was just a joke, and probably not meant to cause a whole new crisis I haven't dealt with since I was 14. But I got to thinking.

For me, that was the beginning of a spiral into confusion, questions, and misunderstanding the whole term in general. I didn't think I was asexual. But then again, what did it mean to be sexual? What did it mean to feel sexual attraction towards someone? Did I feel sexual attraction towards anyone?

And when I say I spent a good few weeks trying to answer that question, it's not an exaggeration. YouTube videos, TikToks, Reddit posts, anything I could find. I took the experiences of others and compared it to my own. Did I share similarities to them? Did they differ in any way? And if so, how? You see, the crushes I was experiencing had nothing to do with sexual attraction. No crushes I ever had for anyone had anything to do with sexual attraction.

For my first crush, I was experiencing what is called 'aesthetic attraction'. In layman's terms, it was his face, his appearance, that drew me to him. He was pretty. I liked looking at him. I wanted to get to know him, and I wanted to get closer to him. I was also experiencing 'romantic attraction', which is the desire to be exclusively romantic with him, such has romantic contact and being in a romantic relationship.

For my second crush, I was experiencing both 'emotional attraction' and 'romantic attraction', with a hint of 'physical attraction' (which, contrary to what one might think, is not the same as sexual attraction. It can also be referred to as 'sensual attraction'). I was emotionally attached to him. He made me laugh, he made me happy. Romantic attraction was when I wanted to be romantic with him, similar to what I already talked about. Physical attraction was my desire to hold his hand, to hug and cuddle him, which, despite my autism, I did still get.

'Sexual attraction' is, of course, the desire to engage in intercourse. It can widely vary between individual people. For an asexual person, sexual attraction in anyone is nonexistent, thus they will not feel the need to engage in intercourse with anyone. However, it is important to note that an asexual person can still engage in intercourse, whether it be for the pleasure, to bond with a romantic partner, or whatever reason, and still be asexual. Asexual people do NOT have to be sexless to be asexual, and I think that's something not many would consider.

One would also hear the term 'demisexual' or 'greyace'. Because I am not as familiar with these terms, I will explain these the best I can, but I'd recommend doing more research if you want to know more.

'Greyace' or 'demisexual' refers to people who experience sexual attraction, but only rarely. A demisexual person would only experience sexual attraction after developing an emotional bond with someone. A greyace person, also called 'gray-ace', 'gray asexual' or 'gray sexual' would only experience sexual attraction less than an allosexual person would. They may experience it less frequently, very rarely, or in certain circumstances. Of course, every sexuality is fluid, so both sexualities could depend on more than just what I've listed, but I'm just giving what information I know about the two.

I strongly identify as asexual. I've never had any sexual attraction to anyone. No, not even pretty people. If I say that I find someone hot, that doesn't mean anything beyond saying I think they're good-looking, which is aesthetic attraction as I mentioned earlier. They can stay there, and I can stay here, and if I were single and someone that I found good-looking propositioned me for sex, I would decline, because I don't want that. Looking at people's bodies makes me uncomfortable. That scene in Aquaman made me uncomfortable. You know the scene I'm talking about. I still identified as bisexual when I saw that movie and I just could not understand why the people around me were flustered because I was just awkward and uncomfortable. It was very obviously meant to be 'click-bait' in the sense that muscular guys = bait for people attracted to men, but I just didn't get it nor how it was supposed to make me feel, and I doubt I ever will.

I love my partner. I love him more than anything. Our relationship was never without our hardships, but we grew to understand what it means to be together. We work through all our squabbles and issues like proper adults, and that includes everything. He asked me to marry him, knowing my flaws and not-so-pleasant parts of who I am. I still harbor insecurities, but we get through them together, and find what works for us. But that does not change my label. He accepts my sexuality, and does not try to 'change' it, and I will forever be appreciative that I have someone like him in my life.

I will continue to identify as asexual, though I should note that sexualities are subject to change. Whether or not I will always identify as asexual remains to be seen.

If you have made it this far, I greatly appreciate you taking the time and the effort to be better educated. And although I dedicated a decent amount of time to be well-informed myself, I still am unsure about many things. If you are questioning, or simply curious, I'd strongly recommend doing your own research and taking time to learn about personal experiences, whether it be your own or others.