Girlflux: what it means, and who I am

I've never seen myself as a typical girl. When I was younger, I was very much a tomboy - I never cared for the stereotypically girly stuff, and I found my fun outside, either riding my bike or playing in the dirt. I didn't feel comfortable in skirts or dresses (I still don't), and no pink for me, thanks. I actively found enjoyment in my rejection of being a 'girly girl'.

This began to change as I got to my mid-teens, though. I decided that pink was actually alright, and maybe some light make-up wasn't too bad. My choice in clothing more or less stayed the same; my focus was always on how things felt on me, rather than what section of the store they were from. It boiled down to two requirements: did I look alright in them, and were they comfortable? If the answer was yes to both questions, then into my wardrobe they went.

For a long time, I was under the impression that breasts + vagina = girl (disclaimer: I no longer hold this view). But if this was true, then why didn't I feel like a girl? I certainly possess both of those things, so why did I feel like some kind of imposter? I was 18 when I started to really question whether I could be something else. I tried a few labels, but none of them seemed to really fit me, or what I was experiencing.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago though that I found a label for how I was feeling: girlflux.

In simple terms, someone who is girlflux experiences different degrees of femininity, or female identity. It's a subset of genderflux, which is a term for people whose gender can fluctuate in intensity over time. A girlflux person may feel 0% female (agender), 100% female (woman), or another percentage inbetween. There's a carrd that explains these terms and genderfluidity really well, and it's one of the sources that helped me to realise who I was.

So, what does this mean for me? How do I experience being female?

Honest answer: I don't really think about it.

It's not like I wake up each morning and decide whether I'm going to be a full woman or not. I don't tear my tits off if I'm feeling more genderless today (though it would make sleeping a lot comfier). Some days, I'll feel more at home in unisex clothing, or in baggier jeans and shirts. Other times, I'll want to show my figure off and I'll want to do a full face of make-up. On a scale of 0 to 100, I'd say that I'm usually feeling between 30 and 70% female. I know that's quite a broad range t give, but hey, it's how I feel.

I think that it's also worth me pointing out that I am not an expert on this (if you hadn't guessed already). I'm still fairly new to girlflux as a term, and being non-binary as a whole. I'm still getting used to my own pronouns. Hell, during enrolment for my master's degree, I had to go back and change my gender from female to non-binary. Bottom line, I'm still getting used to everything.

Perhaps this is why I've put off making an official coming out post until now. Just writing this article has been difficult, because how do you accurately describe emotions that you've only just started to process? How do you put your whole identity into the right words? It's hard to express who you are when you've only just found out yourself. Maybe it's just easier to re-introduce myself to the world.

So, here goes.

I'm Mil, I'm 21 years old, and I am girlflux.