de/transitioning

i've been wanting to write for a while now that i have stopped testosterone. actually, i stopped nearly a year ago. not because i'm detransitioning, and not because i'm unhappy with the results of my medical transition thus far. although i have discussed the unhappiness with my experience of not being cis in a medical framework built for a cisgender world; more specifically, what it is like for me to be non-binary or genderqueer (depending on things) within a culture and society (therefore its structures, like healthcare) dominantly informed by the existing and rancorous two-sexes/two-genders theory. and although i will continue to discuss these things (including here), i really just wanted to talk about how good it feels to feel at home in my body in a way that is meaningful to me.

real quick, let's talk about detransitioning and why i don't identify with the term. others may attribute it to what i am doing, and perhaps it is by their definition. not by mine, though.

to understand detransitioning, we may need to get a picture of what transitioning is. for basics, my definition in this context is: transitioning is the process a trans person experiences in some capacity, whether medical or otherwise, to "transition" into, or become their authentic selves.

so, for a person to detransition, they are, somehow, changing back their expression, identity, performance etc. to what they did before the "transition."
authentic or not...?

some people would argue that radical doctors or secretly trans teachers or progressively liberal parents forced or coerced the children in their sphere of influence to be trans. some people would be incorrect.

this is that nuance and nuisance that i mentioned earlier of being trans in a cis world. every aspect of our society misunderstands or lacks knowledge entirely of gendered difference. even the medical community. my experience with a gender clinic at the big, maize and blue hospital near me was subpar as a genderqueer person. it was essentially, "you not woman? well, then you man." which resulted in a lack of questions, fine-tuning, or ability to stick to my preferences.

fine. i thought. whatever. just give me my surgery and my drugs, and i'll figure it out myself.

was i forced or coerced into hormone replacement therapy or surgery? no. pigeonholed? perhaps. but in my case, i did get mostly what i was looking for.

to keep it simple and sweet, i would say we lack research, accommodations, and understanding across the board. whether in doctors' offices, schools, or homes.

i don't know every take, but i have seen or heard many, and i would say that generally speaking it all still just sounds like transition to me. whether "coming" or "going," whether just passing through or never even left. we're all just sort of experiencing things and finding what works and feels best for us in our bodies.

i do also think many people conflate medically transitioning and transitioning. and that's perhaps where a word like "detransitioning" comes from.

my transition is not defined by the aspects of it that are medical in nature. top surgery or a lower voice may add to my physical comfort, but i began my transition long before i ever started hrt or had a flat chest. those parts are just as sacred to me. i cherish those steps and every one presently along my gender journey.

these are just the very brief thoughts on the detransition matter from one non-binary, trans-masculine, genderqueer individual with cis-male-passing privilege, who happens to have stopped taking testosterone.

i'm still thinking about all this, and will be writing more on the subject, i'm sure.

as always, curious about the perspectives of all positionalities. let me know your questions or your thoughts!