Authentically Him

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nolan James, although I was not born with this name. For the past decade I’ve had several self discovery adventures in which I attempt to become who I truly feel I’m meant to be. Due to my inner struggles and outward attempts to express my feelings my relationship with my biological family has always been strained.

I grew up in Georgia. The Bible Belt Hell as I love to refer to it. Growing up in the south anything queer is completely taboo. From a young age it was drilled into my brain that being gay, changing your gender, and well basically anything that doesnt result in a straight white marriage is an “abomination”. As a teenager I went through some very confusing times where I would beg “God” to just make me normal. Make me like my mama. In retrospect I’m happy that prayer to an imaginary being was never made to come true.

When I was 17 years old I made some friends in high school who changed my life for the better. I became friends with a lesbian who was in my art class. I had never met anyone, that I knew of, who was open about their sexuality. Once my mother found out the types of friends I was making I became a target in my own home. “God” and “hell“ were often mentioned anytime they thought I had interest in someone. My older sibling liked to tell his girlfriends that I was a dyke, or that I wanted to sleep with them. The saddest part of the bullying at home was that I didn’t even know if I liked girls. Not that way.

Eventually I came out as a lesbian halfway through my senior year in high school. October 11, 2011. Later I found out that I actually came out on national coming out day. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. At first my family seemed to cope okay with it. There were things I noticed that affected my mental health in terrible ways. My mother would buy condoms for my brother, I say that term very loosely we do not speak. She would also allow his girlfriend at the time to stay over, or he would stay at her house. When I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend I wanted to confide in my mom. Instead I was slapped and scolded. Years down the road when my younger sister lost her virginity to a boy, she was given “the talk” and support. Not long after I graduated I left my mothers all while being damned to hell in the name of “God”.

Fast forward two years. I had ended up moving back into my biological mothers house after my adopted family encouraged me to gain more independence. So back to mamas I went. I lived in her shed in the backyard. It was nice to have my own space. I had a job, rent to pay, and a phone bill. During this move, and attempt to get settled in I was also going through a gender identity crisis. I had very few friends I would talk to about it, but they were always so supportive. Especially my adoptive sister, and I just love her for steering me away from the name Dante. The short time I was back at my bio moms house was not a happy time. I was figuring out who I am. I was confused on my genitals and why they don’t match how I feel. It took me three tries to attempt to come out to her. Each time she would shut down and say she didn’t want to talk about it end of discussion. And so it would be.

Within a few days I changed my name on social media over to Nolan James. This started an all out war on my Facebook page. At first when I spoke to my mother in person she told me that “God doesn’t make mistakes.”. She also told me my dead father would be turning in his grave at the blasphemy I was committing. It became quickly clear I wasn’t welcome anymore and I was once again homeless for trying to be.. me. I couch hopped for a few months. I tried to be okay and just go through the motions. The amount of pain, of abandonment that I was enduring was too much to try and hold on. If my own mama doesn’t want me, why should I be here? That thought process lead me to attempt suicide in late 2014.

Once I was released from the hospital I told my adopted family goodbye and that I loved them, but I needed to go. I bought a one way bus ticket to Michigan. Why? I don’t fully know myself. It was on the opposite side of the country from Georgia. I had a rocky start in Michigan. I was homeless still, with no game plan or sense of direction. I had some amazing online friends who helped me along the way. Eventually I found my footing. I worked hard, saved money, had ambitions. I had little to no contact with my biological family. Eventually I got married to a woman that did not last many years, thankfully. She was just like my biological mom.

Once I moved past the mistakes made along my journey I found myself in a stable situation surrounded by friends. This is now the beginning of 2019. My mother had been making attempts to talk to me and I decided to see her when I would go and visit Georgia. I was always dead named, misgendered, and made to feel like a fool. They would tell me that I’m going to confuse my friends if I bring them over, because my mother and her husband were adamant about making zero attempt for my comfort. This would make my friends uncomfortable and not want to go back. It made me not want to go back.

Shortly after this trip we stopped talking. I’m not sure why entirely. I think it had something to do with the Cheeto running for office, because after the election she cut off contact with me. Stopped responding. Didn’t even bother to tell me she got her birthday present from me. I sent home made candles. For months I anguished. I cried. It had been years since I allowed myself to feel the pain of her not loving and accepting me. I waited. I checked my phone constantly and not a single word for over 6 months. During that time I did a lot of self reflecting on my relationship with her. With everyone in my bio family. I had an older brother who was dead to me for different reasons. A younger sister who is just like our mother. A step dad who is an alcoholic who almost killed my mom, which is also a different story for another time.

I had a decision to make for myself. One that took a year I would say, but had been in the making for almost 10. I cut off all contact With almost everyone in my family. It was a freeing feeling. I feel no guilt. No remorse. They made the decision for me when they would vocalize how against me they were in the name of “God”. My mom, adopted mom, was there for me through every step of it. She supported me and told me the things I needed to hear from my mom. She has always loved me unconditionally and supported who I am even as a Christian woman. I am forever blessed to be apart of their family.

Overcoming these obstacles has not been an easy journey. It’s taken me 10 years to move on and leave what’s happened behind. I can no longer allow any of it to hinder my growth as a person. My ability to do great things without their validation. I always thought I needed her approval in some way, but that’s not true. I have power over my life. I have power over who I allow to influence me, and the power to cut them off for my own wellbeing. One thing I have learned above anything else in my 10 year journey is that absolutely nobody can take away, erase, or force me to hide my identity. I am Nolan James, and I am a proud queer transgender man.