A Timeline of My Transition

Hi!

I'm Danny, a trans masculine person. In early 2022, I began undergoing hormone therapy to masculinise myself, and I've been mostly happy with the changes so far. If you haven't read the first bit of my timeline transition, you can check it out here!

This article contains mentions of genitals and uses anatomical terms. Read at your own discretion.

September 06, 2022

My stomach has gotten chubbier recently. I suspect the fat redistribution from my hips has begun, though they don't look any different. My six year old still doesn't understand that I'm not his mommy. In all fairness, he's six - children have a hard time understanding things they aren't often exposed to. I think the thing that confuses him most is that I'm not his mommy, but I'm also not his daddy, and he doesn't really understand that things can exist in the middle of these. I've tried to brainstorm more gender-neutral parental titles for him to use, but it's been hard to get him into the mood to cooperate

I spoke to my specialist on the phone today. He said my *free testosterone levels are at 19, which is within the normal range for a cisgender man in my age group. I look a bit more masculine now, but still get referred to as she and her by strangers. I don't need to book any more blood tests for a while now, and I don't need to speak to speak to my doctor again until I need a testosterone refill - which probably won't be until January or February of next year.

*free testosterone: the amount of total testosterone concentration that isn't bound to any protein in the body. it makes up about 2% of testosterone in the body, while bound testosterone makes up the other 98%.

September 09, 2022

Yesterday, I got an email from Vital Statistics telling me that my name change couldn't be processed because my record check was too old. This morning, after dropping off my son at school, I had to go to police station to get another one done to scan and email in.

September 16, 2022

I picked up my current background check and sent it in though the registries. Hopefully now, with a current record check, Vital Statistics can finally confirm my name change and send me the certificate. After that happens, the next steps in my legal transition are:

1. to use this website to update the change everywhere else.

2. to apply for a new birth certificate using proof of name.

3. use new birth certificate with changed name to order driver's license containing new name and gender marker.

September 26, 2022

I got an email from Vital Statistics saying my file needs to be reviewed twice more before being processed, and that it could take up to two weeks. I'm not sure why, but I'm so tired of waiting for the change to go through. It's been nearly two months since I initially sent away my application, and I feel like it shouldn't take too long. But maybe I'm just too impatient.

Lately, I've been wondering if I'm really non-binary. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm just a man. I don't know. Gender is complicated and ever-changing. A couple of days ago, my friend took me and our kids Halloween shopping, and I felt euphoria when she referred to me as him. I've been seriously considering, recently, the idea of bottom surgery, which, in transmasculine people, could mean one of two things:

- phalloplasty: the surgical construction of a phallus using a skin graft from another part of the body, usually the thigh or forearm. This surgery may involve creating a scrotum from the skin of the labia, and, later, testicular implants made from silicone. At a later date, patients may return for a penile implant - a prosthesis used for maintaining an erection. This isn't mandatory, and many transmasculine people choose to go without an implant.

- metoidioplasty: the surgical construction of a phallus using the enlarged clitoris after long-term testosterone treatment. This surgery is much simpler, cheaper, and leads to fewer complications than phalloplasty, but may make it harder to engage in sexual activity post-healing.

I'm a little stronger now, and I've gained some muscle without doing much of anything at all. It's mostly in my thighs and arms; I attribute most of it to carrying around my six-year-old son, who's a full four feet tall.

October 05, 2022

My name change was finally processed. I got an email from Vital Statistics containing a birth certificate with my new name, and I'm hoping I'll receive a copy in the mail as well, because I don't have a printer. I'm still listed as f, which I knew I would be - the next step is to visit the registries again and change my gender marker. Hopefully, I'll be able to do this tomorrow.

I've been thinking I need to bring up my transition to my parents. In the seven months since I began hormones, none of us have said anything, and I'm curious as to whether they've really not noticed. I'm not sure the best way to go about it, and there's a lot to say: I'm not your daughter, I'm cutting ff my boobs, I want to be a man. There's a letter I wrote several months ago that I was too anxious to send. There seems like no easy way to do it, and it's impossible to predict how anybody will react, especially my parents. I guess people change. I suppose my parents have become less conservative over the years. And either way, it's something they'll find out regardless if I have a relationship with them. If it weren't for my son, I don't know if I would.

October 14, 2022

This morning, I took in the birth certificate I received in the mail to the license shop and applied to change my gender marker. I also used this website to help change my name with companies across the country. They're going to send me the paperwork I need to mail out, and it's supposed to take about fourteen business days.

Today I got a name change certificate in the mail, which I'm pretty excited about. At the same time, I feel .... weird ... about my name being officially changed. It feels weird to know that the person I've been all my life is officially gone: even though I don't miss her. It's not mourning really. I have a little sense of anxiety over all of this, and I'm not really sure why. When my gender marker is changed, it'll be like I'm someone completely different, and that's both scary and exciting to me. I don't look like myself in old photos. But I don't look like a sibling either. I think mostly, old photos of me just look like a distant relative or a long-lost friend.

I got a new top in the mail, which I ordered from this Etsy shop, and it gives me such euphoria. This morning, I got called she by the person at the license shop who filled out my gender change paperwork, and it did put a huge damper on my morning. I know I don't pass yet, and I probably won't for a while - and I guess I can't really blame strangers for gendering me as female, but still. It really makes me sad.

October 20, 2022

I received a new birth certificate in the mail from Vital Statistics. Despite specifying I wanted to change my gender marker to M, I'm still listed as F, and I feel disappointed and kind of....lost? I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I should go back to the registries and ask to have it redone, or ask what I need to do to get that legally changed. Realistically, I'll just go to the library next week and print off the paperwork to amend my gender marker. I don't know. Something about being openly trans in a conservative small town terrifies me.

Today, I had an hour long phone conversation with my parents - something I've been putting off for months and months. I guess I didn't exactly come out, but I managed to explain that I've been speaking to a gender doctor, and I've been on hormones, and I need to do this so that I'm not sad and miserable all the time. It was a much-needed conversation, honestly, and my parents were pleasantly receptive. I guess, in my head, I still imagine the version of them from ten years ago. Maybe this is how they imagine me too. I explained to them, also, that phone conversations make me anxious, and they expressed gratefulness that I confided in them. If they have any questions later on, I hope they ask. Change is hard. What's harder is living a life that feels like somebody else's.

October 21, 2022

I sent a long text to my parents after they'd gotten off work, explaining my reasoning behind going on testosterone and keeping it from them for as long as I did. It was very nerve-racking, but they both were receptive and surprisingly supportive, and I felt really good afterwards. I don't know how they'll act when I get further into my transition: when I began to actually pass, but I guess it doesn't matter now. I feel hopeful.

November 06, 2022

Something I've realised recently is that I've gotten gayer since starting testosterone. I'm bisexual - but I've been much more into (specifically cis) men for the past couple months. It's weird how that happens. I know it happens quite commonly: shifting sexualities after starting hormones. Sexuality is fluid, and testosterone doesn't change it, per se. I've spoken to some online transmasc friends who have noticed the same changes in their sexualities, and some have attributed it to becoming more comfortable in their own bodies/masculinity. For example, maybe men's bodies made me feel jealous or dysphoric, which complicated attraction until now. It's certainly complicated and strange, but it's also pretty interesting.

November 25, 2022

Today is nine months on testosterone - three quarters of a year, already! It's a big milestone, even though I don't feel all that different. I shaved my face last week, and the fuzz has started to grow back on my chin and upper lip. I can't tell if it's peach fuzz or actual facial hair, but it's dark and feels like stubble. Earlier this week, I printed off some paperwork to apply to change my legal gender marker, and I plan on sending it in tomorrow morning. When this is changed, I'm hoping I can get a new license with my updated name and gender, but surely it can't be this easy, right? I live in a small town in the most conservative province in Canada. My existence has never been easy.

My face is breaking out badly, and no matter how many different cleansers I try, nothing seems to help. My hair is long enough to pull up into a small ponytail at the back, and this gives me euphoria for some strange reason. To me, my voice sounds the same as it has for months, but, according to an app I downloaded, strangers think it sounds hoarse and deep. I haven't had a period since June, which I can't complain about. I want to continue growing out my hair, and I want to go back to wearing crop tops and fishnet tights. I'm slowly developing a treasure trail, which gets darker and darker each week, though it's still quite light. The bottom growth is still randomly itchy, but nowhere near as unbearable as it was during the first few months. I wore my packer* out of the house for the first time recently, and I felt like I was hiding a deep, dark secret, that nobody knew about except for me.

*a silicone or rubber phallus worn with a pair of packing underwear to imitate the feeling and appearance of a penis.

December 02, 2022

Something I wasn't warned about being starting T was the amount of ingrown hairs to be prepared for. They're on my arms, mostly, despite never having shaved there. When I shave my face, I get ingrown hairs in my beard. I think part of it might be the way I'm shaving, or the fact that my skin isn't used to it yet. I'm hoping they'll stop happening eventually: maybe once my body adjusts more to new hormones. I don't know how long it takes, though. At nine months, I don't know if or how much my body has adjusted. I'm out of needles, and need to pick up more next time I'm at the pharmacy. I've been feeling bad for complaining about the discomfort of needles - because it's not a neccesity, but a weekly thing I chose to do to myself. If I didn't live with a T1 diabetic, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about complaining.

December 09, 2022

Last night, I had a conversation with my partner about our relationship and my gender things. I've been far too anxious to bring up my thoughts, so I'm glad he did it instead. He mentioned remembering me saying I didn't want to be they/them anymore, and he asked what I'd prefer. I've spent so much time worrying about how he'd feel about acknowledging the queerness of our relationship. I realize I'd been stifling parts of myself because of my own anxieties, and not because of anything my partner said or didn't say. Last night, I said I went by he/him online, and he was more than comfortable accepting and explaining to others that our relationship isn't heterosexual. He reiterated that he isn't sure how he feels about me having facial hair, and that it might be a dealbreaker if I went through with phalloplasty - and I understand these feelings. Even though I've thought about phalloplasty in the past, I don't think it's really something I'm interested in pursuing at this moment in time: and I explained this to my partner. He supports me and understands me despite his own feelings, and I'm thankful for that.

When my son gets home from his grandmother's house, I'll likely have another conversation with him about my identity. I don't stand up for it, and I'm not assertive, and this needs to end now, because I can't expect others to support and understand me if I don't explain how I want to be understood. My mother texted me today about my grandmother's Christmas plans, and her support made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've explained to her in the past how my grandmother makes me feel invalid and uncomfortable, and my mom brought that up to her, even though it meant being assertive towards her own mother.

I filled out my paperwork to amend my sex marker on my identification, but I don't have the money to send it away right now. When I get paid again next week, I plan on going down to the license shop and sending all of the papers away.

December 10, 2022

Like he is made to every time his brother has to go away for work, my partner had to pick him up from the airport. I don't know why this is his responsibility. Anyway, ever since I decided I was more comfortable being known as he than them, I knew my brother-in-law and the rest of his family would be transphobic about it. I don't know why it bothers me. I don't know why I feel about for my partner having to deal with his family's ignorance. Somehow, I guess I feel like it's my fault. But it's not my responsibility to educate people, and I'm getting too old to stifle parts of myself that make others uncomfortable.

Like he has before, my brother-in-law took it upon himself to tease my partner for having a boyfriend, like this was proof he was gay all along, even though gender and sexuality are spectrums, and they can't be looked at as black or white. He mentioned that there must have been something that triggered my transness: like I woke up one day after one specific experience and decided it would be easier to be a boy.

December 13, 2022

Today I got my child tax, so I decided to finally go to the registries and hand in my sex amendment papers. The person working there was super friendly and helpful, and helped me apply for an updated driver's license and health care card with an M gender marker. I was told it'll take about ten business days for my new cards to arrive, and I'm excited. At some point, I need to change my name with my bank and the Canada Revenue Agency, although I'm not really looking forward to either of these things.

December 21, 2022

My new license arrived in the mail! It contains my new full name, and the gender marker has been changed to M, and I feel really excited about it. It seems so strange that I spent so much time in my teens and early twenties daydreaming about being a real boy, and now I'm here: legally male and well into my transition. It seems so surreal, and I'm very fortunate to be able to transition at all.

On Christmas Eve, I'm going with my parents to a family get-together, and I'm feeling anxious about it. I don't keep in touch with my extended family, and I haven't seen them in probably two or three years. My family has always been filled with drama and gossip, and the older generations are quite judgmental as well. It will be my first time seeing them since I started my transition - I'm pretty different now, and a lot of the family doesn't even know I'm transitioning at all. I have a feeling there's going to be gossip about me and some intrusive questions, but I'll have my mother and my cousin there to mediate if the need arises.