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A Timeline of my Transition

I can finally feel like myself.

By ghostsandrebelsPublished 2 years ago 16 min read
4
pre-transition; 2015

Hi there!

I'm Danny, a non-binary writer and parent. In 2022, I began microdosing testosterone. This means taking less than the standard dose of 50-100 mg weekly. A microdose or low dose of testosterone is considered to be around 20 mg weekly. There's not much research out there on microdosing and its effects on AFAB people, so I decided to write down my experiences for those who are considering doing it themselves, or just looking for more information.

There are many ways to administer testosterone into the body. These include:

- Injections: Either subcutaneous or intramuscular, a regular dose for an injection is between fifty to one hundred milligrams weekly. A microdose is considered around twenty to thirty milligrams weekly.

- Gel: Gels come in several different concentrations, 1% - 1.6%, from my knowledge. Typically, a microdose with 1% concentration gel is in the range of twelve to twenty five milligrams. A microdose with 1.62% concentration gel is considered to be around twenty milligrams per day.

- Cream: Testosterone cream is similar to a gel. Where a standard dose falls in the range of four to eight milligrams per day, a low dose falls in the range of one to two.

- Patch: Testosterone patches come with two options, 2mg or 4mg. With the patch, a standard dose is around 4-8mg per day, while a low dose is around 1-2mg per day.

Warning: This article contains mention of genitalia, and may be triggering to some readers.

February 09, 2022

I had my first phone appointment with a doctor in Calgary who specializes in gender-diverse patients. We introduced ourselves and I discussed what my goals were with transitioning and hormones, and he went over some of the common side effects of medication. After speaking about what I hope to achieve and what he hopes to help me with, I was told that a receptionist from the clinic would reach out to me to book a follow up appointment, during which I can discuss the best routes of administration. I'm also going to be sent a consent form in the mail to sign and return before proceeding.

February 11, 2022

I received a referral for blood tests in the mail from my specialist, as well as a formal consent form to sign and mail back, which outlined reversible and irreversible effects of hormone therapy. My blood test appointment is on February 16, after which the results will be sent to the specialist to determine if I am eligible to proceed with treatment.

February 22, 2022

I spoke to my specialist on the phone regarding the results of my blood tests and the consent form I signed. We discussed routes of administration as well as frequency of administration. I'll be starting with 25mg weekly administered through a small needle in the fat of my stomach. After our phone call, the specialist faxed a prescription to my pharmacy and asked me to check in with him in a few months' time, as well as return for routine blood tests at the end of May.

I spoke to my six-year-old son about my decision to start hormones, and my reasoning behind it, as well as the small changes that would occur over time. He was a little sad at first, saying he likes the way I am now, and that he doesn't want me to be different. I eased his fears the best I could and he did seem to cheer up a bit, but I'm not sure how he'll feel watching me give myself a needle in the stomach tomorrow.

February 23, 2022

When I went to the pharmacy this afternoon to pick up my prescription, I was asked why a specialist would prescribe testosterone for a female, and what my reason was for using it. When I explained, the pharmacist said he'd call my specialist to confirm and for me to come back a few hours later. When I spoke to my doctor on the phone yesterday, he guaranteed the medication would be covered, so I returned to the pharmacy expecting to pay nothing for it. When I arrived for the third time today, the pharmacist said testosterone isn't covered by my insurance, and neither are the needles I'd use to do my injections. This means I'll have to pick it up when I get my child tax on Friday, two days from now, because I'm unemployed and get all my income from the government bimonthly. I returned home yet again feeling frustrated and annoyed.

February 25, 2022.

February 25, 2022

I take my first T shot!

Despite my issues at the pharmacy a couple of days ago, I picked up my prescription today with no issues. My vial is 1000 milligrams or 10 millilitres. My prescription is 25mg/0.25ml weekly, and the vial is supposed to last three months. I take my injections subcutaneously, which means into the fat of my stomach or my bum. I chose my stomach. With a 1mg needle, it feels impossible to get the thick liquid out of the tiny bottle, but I manage with some help from my partner. In a few weeks I have an appointment with my specialist and some required blood tests.

March 05, 2022

There's definitely some bottom growth happening. My first change! I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm grateful to be seeing changes slowly so that I have time to get used to them. There's a faint, constant twinge or tingling when bottom growth occurs. It isn't painful, just a bit annoying when I'm trying to sleep. My non-binary friends say their tingling lasted from a couple weeks to a couple months. I need to speak to my pharmacist about getting bigger needles, because my current ones are very thin and it's easy to bend them while attempting to fill, and testosterone is surprisingly thick.

March 25, 2022 (one month)

The changes I'm looking forward to the most are the voice drop, fat redistribution/a more masculine face, and maybe some more peach fuzz on my face and stomach. Nothing really has changed yet. Bottom growth has become more itchy than tingly, and it feels a bit like chafing when I walk. I'm finding my sweat is beginning to smell a bit different, and I may be sweating a bit more often. It's hard to tell, though, because I have hyperhidrosis, so sweating has always been an issue for me. I'm using a voice app to track the pitch of my voice, and it's pretty much the same as it was a month ago, although it has begun to crack the slightest bit a few times a day. I spoke to my specialist yesterday and he sent in a referral for me to get top surgery. Although it can be up to a two year wait, I'm hoping I won't have to wait that long. I found a new technique to fill my needles, so I don't struggle near as much now.

I used an app called Voice Pitch Analyzer to track the changes in my voice, which were slow and subtle.

March 30, 2022

The peach fuzz on my face and chin is getting slightly fuzzier, but it still isn't dark or particularly thick. If I don't look closely at it, I can hardly see it at all. I'm starting to notice the development of an Adam's apple in my throat, as well as a change in the location of the vibrations when I speak. My voice is more throaty now, but I don't think it's changed in pitch at all. My surgery referral was sent to Doctor Kennedy in Calgary, who I've never heard of, but has very promising reviews.

April 25, 2022 (two months)

The hair on my arms and legs is getting thicker, and I think my eyebrows have thickened out a bit as well. There's been a lot more acne on my arms and the back of my shoulders, where I've never really gotten acne before. I've always had oily skin, but I feel like my face is oilier now, to the point that I can almost see it in the mirror. I've been needing to wash my face a lot more. My voice at times sounds a tiny bit deeper, but it also sounds constantly like I need to clear my throat. My libido always seems to spike the days of my shots, and peak about two or three days later. I'm impatient for my hips and butt to get slimmer, but I've heard this can take years. There's peach fuzz on my chin beginning to look like a tiny baby beard, and the fuzz on my stomach is getting thicker too. I still, of course, look and sound like a "woman."

April 25, 2022

May 06, 2022

To me, my voice consistently sounds a bit deeper. I don't think anyone else can tell a difference. I'm about halfway through my first vial, and have routine blood tests next week to check my hormone levels. The hair on my arms is much longer and thicker, but hasn't gotten much darker. I'm trying to grow my hair out since cutting it short four years ago. I picture myself with shoulder-length hair, slight facial stubble, and slight hair on my chest or stomach. Recently I've been sweating on my knees and thighs, which has never really been an issue for me before. I have to shower a lot more often now, barely able to go two days before smelling. My face is breaking out on and off, like my arms and shoulders. It's pretty annoying. The voice pitch app I'm using has been tracking my voice as higher than it was a month ago, which is making me sad and anxious. I'm trying to be patient, but it's so hard when every day feels so dysphoric.

May 12, 2022

I have routine blood tests to check my hormone levels, which were sent to my specialist. There's pretty steady fuzz coming through on my chin, but it's very thin and blonde, and not really visible without looking closely. I've been feeling a lot of dysphoria lately about my voice and hips, but I'm trying to be patient.

May 19, 2022.

May 25, 2022 (three months)

I had a phone appointment with my specialist. We went over the results of my labs and agreed to double my dose to 0.5ml weekly, which will take me up to the high end of a regular dose. I haven't noticed any new changes lately, but it's still early on - the specialist said most people notice a big voice drop and a cease in menstruation by six months. I'm eager to see if upping my dose will make a difference at all. In some of my trans groups on Facebook, it was suggested I practice speaking from my chest so that my voice sounds more masculine. When I brought up my worries to the specialist, he said it should all even out in a few more months, and that the pitch of my voice will drop more noticeably.

May 27, 2022

I realized something. Since coming out as non binary, I've absolutely hated being looked at or seen as feminine in any way. It was like as soon as I realized I wasn't a woman, I didn't want femininity to exist in me ever again. The past couple of weeks I've been finding myself wanting to embrace my femininity in ways I never wanted to before. I'm interested in growing out my hair, wearing skirts, doing makeup - things that are stereotypically "feminine" (in the cis sense of the word). I think what I've realized is that it wasn't femininity I was scared of, it was looking like a female. Starting T has helped me learn to separate my expression from my identity and I feel really free. I guess I never wanted to look like a feminine girl because I want to look like a boy in women's clothes. I don't know. It's something I've really been thinking about.

June 25, 2022 (four months)

According to my voice pitch analyzer app, I'm consistently in the androgynous speaking range! I've been practicing using my "chest voice" as often as possible in everyday conversations, but it makes me self-conscious because I still pass as "female", and my deeper voice doesn't match people's perception of me. I don't sound like myself anymore, but I like it. I shaved my face a few weeks ago and the peach fuzz is growing back with a vengeance. I need to book routine blood tests for mid-August, as well as a check-in with my specialist to review them. I'm nearly through my first vial of testosterone, and have one refill before I have to request a new prescription.

June 27, 2022

I've been worrying a lot about how my transition will affect my relationship with my partner. As a cisgender man who's always labelled himself strictly heterosexual, I suspect the reason he's okay with my transition thus far is because I'm still female-passing, and this makes me feel invalidated. I've expressed my thoughts on growing out the peach fuzz on my face, and he didn't love the idea - I know it's because stubble will make me look more masculine than androgynous. I don't think cis people think about, a lot of the time, the fact that dating a genderqueer person makes them already not straight, and I'm tired of minimizing parts of myself to make other people comfortable. I feel a lot of uncertainty at this point in time. I'm certain about the fact that I cannot spend another day of my life pretending to be a woman. Perhaps this means my relationship will end at some point. Perhaps it means my partner will adjust with me and realize he's alright dating a masculine-presenting person. Either way, I don't think I can bear to waste any more time wondering what it would be like to be a boy.

July 01, 2022

The dysphoria has been so bad that I ordered a small packer to wear when I'm home alone. I know that eventually, my body will change to a point where I'm satisfied - but even then, I'll still have the parts that give me the most dysphoria. I'm thinking about getting small alien heads tattooed on my chest after top surgery, instead of a nipple graft. I'm feeling fortunate these days that all the men in my family kept full heads of hair their whole lives - even my grandfather, who in his late eighties still has thick hair. I'm grateful for this because lots of trans folks have to deal with male pattern baldness once starting testosterone, and I want to grow my hair out. I visited my father recently, who spent the whole night *deadnaming me, and even going so far as to insist I'd always be [redacted] to him.

* deadname: the name a person was given at birth, and no longer uses: often used to refer to transgender people who change their names as part of their transition.

July 06, 2022 - I'm starting to look like my brother!

July 04, 2022

I picked up my second vial of testosterone, which is a different brand than the first. While I had to pay for my last vial, the one I got today was fully covered by insurance, and I wonder if it's because the pharmacist switched me to a different brand.

July 24, 2022

During my visit to Ontario, I attended my first pride parade with my son, my cousin, and my cousin's five-year-old daughter. On the first night after my arrival, she took me to a party, and we'd planned on later visiting a gay bar - I've never been to one before. Though we never made it to the club, I wore a new trans rights! mesh top to the party with some of her friends, and I spoke to a very lovely older man who made me feel so welcomed. Unlike the people out west, everyone is so kind here, and goes out of their way to make marginalized groups feel safe and included.

July 25, 2022 (five months)

I think my voice has dropped again, but I don't think it sounds particularly masculine. Mostly I think I just sound hoarse all the time. It feels weird to refer to things as masculine or feminine because there's so many meanings to these words. It's hard to explain. I mean, there are tons of cisgender men who have higher pitched voices and larger hips - and there are tons of cisgender women who have facial hair and big feet. It feels weird to say I want to look and sound masculine when there are so many different ways to be masculine. My hands are filling out and starting to look fuzzy, and the veins are becoming more prominent. I'm excited to see how things change over the next few months.

August 03, 2022

I finally handed in my name change documents and they were sent away to Vital Statistics! I decided to change my gender marker to M instead of X, even though both feel right. There will come a day where I hopefully pass as male in public, and I don't want to be outed as trans every time somebody sees my ID. Plus, despite not being a man, I feel masculine enough often enough to be referred to as male without being dysphoric. The cost of sending away the application was $210 - and when my change of name certificate arrives in the mail, I'll need to apply for a new birth certificate in order to change my gender marker. I found a website online called Easy Name Change that will help me update my name everywhere else once the change goes through.

August 05, 2022

People keep calling me ma'am or miss in public. I understand that, despite not looking ultra feminine, I still have features most people would assume to be female. I'm tired of gender being brought into everything. I'm tired of standing in front of public bathrooms, trying to decide which one would give me less dysphoria. I'm tired of being treated and labeled a certain way based on my assumed genitalia. Who cares, anyway? Why does everybody care so much about what's in my pants? I feel impatient about my changes and judged by strangers every day. My partner's friends and family gossip about me when I'm not around, asking him if he's okay with what I'm doing, as if I am purposely trying to be hurtful. My son, who I've explained things to, is having trouble understanding, and I worry about him. People seem to think we choose to be transgender. All I have chosen is to feel at home in my body.

August 13, 2022

Today I learned that transmasculine people who take testosterone are more prone to yeast and bladder infections, due to the lack of estrogen in the lower area. When I read about it online, I learned that some transmasculine people were getting as many as three infections yearly, when they got hardly any before.

August 25, 2022

It's been half a year on testosterone.

It feels like yesterday that I was speaking to a doctor about getting started on hormones. My voice has dropped into the beginnings of a male range, though it's still nowhere as deep as I'd like it to be. I spoke to some of my transmasculine friends, both of whom said it was around the year mark before their voices hit that big drop, and that changes still happened for years afterwards. I know I need to stop focusing on my end goal and celebrate the small milestones: a twelve year old boy months into puberty won't sound and look the same as a twenty eight year old man.

I have a much higher libido now, and a whole inch of growth, which I'm excited about. There's been a consistent amount of ingrown hairs/acne on my arms and shoulders for the past few months. Today is my six month blood test, which got sent to my specialist for our phone appointment next week. My cycles seem to have been affected - it's been two months since my last one. I'm not upset about it. Bottom growth doesn't itch anymore - or maybe I've just gotten used to it. I shaved my face about two weeks ago, and it's already starting to look fuzzy again.

Thanks for reading this far!

Stay tuned for Part 2. ♡

- Danny

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About the Creator

ghostsandrebels

i'm a a queer writer, poet, cat lover, and author. i'm passionate about psychology, human rights, and creating places where lgbt+ youth and young adults feel safe, represented, and supported.

29 | m.

follow me on threads for more.

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  • sleepy drafts2 years ago

    "People seem to think we choose to be transgender. All I have chosen is to feel at home in my body." This.❤️ Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.

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