5 Things Trans Allies Don’t Do

What if becoming the best ally you possibly can be is about what you should do less of rather than more of?

If you can stop doing the following transphobic things, you’ll be on your way to being an excellent ally to the transgender community.

Deadname.

Habits of speech and association aren’t always easy to change. But being a good ally demands that you put forth the effort.

Deadnaming is not only rude and disrespectful, it can put a transgender person directly in harm’s way. If you deadname someone without their explicit permission, not only are you an a$$hat, you are essentially outing them to anyone within earshot.

It’s not only about respecting a person’s identity. It’s also about keeping them safe. Outing someone can be dangerous for the individual. No one deserves to be physically harmed or brutally killed because of their gender.

40% of transgender and nonbinary youth reported being physically threatened or harmed in their lifetime due to their gender identity. — The Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health 2020

Just because you don’t understand why someone would want to change their name doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect their decision to do so. A good ally makes a conscious effort to use every individual’s proper name.

Disregard proper pronouns.

Using someone’s proper pronouns is just as important as calling them by their correct name.

I’m a woman. I certainly wouldn’t appreciate someone referring to me as he and calling me Bob. That’s not my name nor one of my proper pronouns.

If you’ve known a trans individual who has announced their proper pronouns are different from what people have assumed in the past, respect that they’re trying to live as their authentic self. Show them some common courtesy and use their proper pronouns.

And if you accidentally mess up, correct yourself quickly and move on. Most trans folks don’t want you to make a big deal about your mistake because it puts too much focus on their previous, inauthentic identity.

Consciously making the effort to use every individual’s proper pronouns is what a good ally does.

Assume you know what’s best.

Unless you are a gender therapist, mental health provider, or another physician with specific knowledge about the trans individual, you do not know what’s best for them more than they do. In all likelihood, they’ve already been seeing multiple medical practitioners in order to understand their feelings and thoughts pertaining to their identity and individuality.

Avoid giving any advice here. You can’t possibly understand enough of what they’re going through to advise them in any safe way. Even if you are transgender yourself, every individual’s experience is different.

They’ve told you because they feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you. They want your acceptance right now, not your advice. They want you to listen to them and actually hear them.

They’ve probably been exploring their feelings regarding their own gender for a very long time. Good allies respect that. They respect that trans individuals know themselves better than anyone else.

Assume it’s a choice.

Clothing is a choice. Religious views are a choice. Attitude is a choice.

But just like sexuality, skin color, and cultural heritage, gender identity is not a choice.

Who would choose to be marginalized, brutalized, and victimized repeatedly?

Allies understand that gender identity is not something anyone chooses.

Being transgender is not a choice.

Tell them it’s just a phase.

Teenaged angst is a phase. Being transgender is not.

It’s fairly common for trans kids to come out around the time they hit puberty due to the influx of hormones. It’s also the time humans explore what it truly means to be themselves. A teenager’s gender identity and sexuality are just beginning to blossom.

Coming out as transgender whilst a teenager means your kid is brave. Not only are they dealing with figuring out who they truly are, but they also shared their thoughts and feelings with you.

Good allies accept others as they are.

Tell them being transgender is wrong.

I realize this makes six things, but I felt it should be a given if you already consider yourself an ally of the trans community. If being an ally is completely new for you, then pay attention because this is important.

If someone has been brave enough to tell you they are transgender or gender non-conforming, be thoughtful with your reaction. Coming out is a vulnerable experience for many. You should feel honored they decided to expose their authentic self to you. They are putting their trust in you to accept and support them.

Unless you are a gender therapist, biological scientist, or another medical specialist, you can’t possibly tell another human being that living as themselves is wrong. Where’s your compassion for others?

Just because Aunt Rita’s pastor told her that God smites transgenders and gays doesn’t mean there’s any truth to it. And spreading phobic judgmental bullsh!t like that will only push away the trans individual who just tried to be real with you.

Shame on you! And shame on Aunt Rita!

Allies support trans folks because they understand there is no right or wrong way to be yourself. Good allies accept transgender people because they’re people.

All You Need to Know

Don’t deadname a transgender person.

Respect and use every trans person’s proper pronouns.

Stop doling out unsolicited and unhelpful advice to trans folks.

Understand that gender identity is not something anyone chooses.

Stop telling people being transgender is just a phase.

If you think it’s wrong to be transgender, you’re an a$$hat and there is no hope for you to becoming a good ally.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.