You Know What?

Even after my Dad left, and mom fell apart❓

My brother had to take the reigns, at 15 years old, and raise a little girl,

mother, and the payments on the monthly mortgage, to keep our house.

Everything got cold. The light, in our home, got dim.

The food portions, as well as my frame, got slim.

You could even see your breath, when you coughed.

And that was even before the hydro company, turned the heat off.

I never felt warm.

Always, rigid. Frigid.

Unable to eat.

Everything, felt like rocks going down.

"Down on our luck..."

and more like, vomit, and anxiety (coming back up). I was a mess.

Despite the cute gap, in the middle of my teeth, and my pink dress.

No matter how my mum put the bows in my hair, or spit on her fingers to

smooth the brows, on my face, in the morning; I didn't feel pretty.

While I sat at the kitchen table, sipping my Milo... I felt, unfinished.

She'd put the Tupperware containers in my schoolbag, for breakfast.

Like, when she had to leave early, for work❔

I had to go to "Granny's," before school.

"Granny" was the Nanny.

Mom would leave a kiss on my cheek, along with my alfalfa sprouts, honey

ham, tomato, balsamic glaze and Havarti cheese sandwich (on croissant)

with grape juice, for lunch.

I wasn't happy about being dropped, off.

I was scared to face my teachers, people and friends, each day.

Because, I was so fucking, pissed off!

Sad.

I wanted to take it out on the world, for making me feel so unwanted and

bad.

I needed them to feel abused. Used, in the same way the world used me.

Feeling, rage, sadness and depression, constantly, consuming me.

Loneliness the most.

As if I was experiencing, a dismal haunting from some rabidly hungry ghost.

Well into adulthood.

Dating people, I never should.

Having fraudulent "friends," who only contributed to my being, insecure...

Inure.

And despite, the lack of love I was feeling.

I believed, I was the problem and that finding more, shitty friends or lovers

was the cure. I thwarted my healing.

I continued to feed the lack of self-worth I was feeling.

And, had I not done that❔

My soul would be healing... and maybe, my love, still breathing.

But no. People, who I thought cared, never really loved me,

So...

They left, just like Dad.

Abandoned, battered, and bruised, on the

side of the road, of life.

Deserted many times, in the years to come.

And me❔

©I.M me... xo.

never allowing myself, to get close, again...

to anyone.