Yes

The scariest word to say,

Because of the scar tissue of rejection…

I said “No” to you before,

And died to my desire.

There’s no me left.

…wHOEver this person is,

And the names she might be called

Has spent days, or weeks

As a living dead.

No hope, no future —

And no present, either.

The past is cautioning me

Against saying “Yes” again:

It only caused pain.

Whenever I (wHOEver that is)

Tried to say “Yes”,

I heard “No” in return.

It’s ironic to see

The HOE in ‘whoever’,

Because, FYI,

I have never been fulfilled —

In that very sense.

I don’t think I expect

That much at all (half-ass doesn’t count).

Women are expected to give birth

And take care of the household —

With kids, if the woman

Survives the experience.

That in itself is horrendous, I heard.

So I held out on having children:

Give me the reason to go through this!

A sound reason, which is —

Crazy Love, romance,

Losing yourself in me — for me.

Because I may have to lose my life

In a delivery room,

Bringing your child into the world.

Now think — is that Big Love

Too much to ask for?

Again, FYI, asking stinks.

For a woman, if she actually had to ask—

That is the pits.

Good stuff has to be offered,

And if it’s not — you don’t give a shit.

Yes, YOU…

(Any man who thinks that cannot be about him,

He is better.

He cares.

Ask your woman — or any woman,

After a few glasses of wine.

And be ready to hear the answer:

Just hear it, absorb it, and don’t fucking argue.)

Begging is not romantic,

And being given a favor

Is not satisfactory —

At all.

A man shrugs and says:

“How do I know what you want

If you don’t tell me?”

BULLSHIT.

Let me spell it for you: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

Get it through your skull.

You know everything.

You’re just pretending, playing fool,

Trying to strike a bargain,

Getting more for less, ya’ know?

That won’t work.

That will backfire.

You’re shooting yourself in the foot, man.

Yes, YOU.

Do I actually have anyone

To say “Yes” to?

Any actual, flesh-and-blood man,

Who is not my fantasy?

My husband?

He is really nice — but…

That energy isn’t there.

I talked to him a few times,

Laying my cards on the table,

In hope to save the marriage.

I hate to be the one

Who walks the extra mile —

Especially in that direction.

It’s not my job — it’s his.

And he is slacking.

Nothing ever happens, worth remembering.

Not in that department.

Nothing ever changes, just same old.

Perhaps he isn’t being shy —

He just doesn’t have it. Not for me anyway.

For someone else? Or that glass pipe of his?

Why should I care… or keep asking.

Brrrr…. not fun.

But I never-ever get it,

Not from anyone before him, either.

I have gone through tons

Of self-improvement,

All the trying-so-hard

To get better.

But do men ever try half as hard?

You know the answer…

Yes, YOU.

Men just don’t have it.

A muscle atrophied,

A talent wasted.

They are bankrupt.

Some compensate it with money

But love is never that cheap.

(Here’s the ‘Hoe’ for you.)

Because women are wired

To have relationships,

And would do about anything

To keep those, to cling to the illusion of one —

You’ve been taking advantage of it.

You, assholes.

Either aggressive or nice,

You were holding out,

Choosing your ego over me.

Banking on my affection,

On my fear of losing love.

But hey — did I ever have it?

Can I lose what I don’t have?

Men are slackers, posers,

Lazy and short-sighted.

You want to be accepted as you are,

But you’re unacceptable.

Effort is what’s truly sexy —

But you became a turnoff.

Just big talk is annoying,

You are obsolete.

You say women are ‘whiny’ —

But how much have you given us

To be grateful for?

In the world where men have most resources and power,

I had tried to make it through,

Without actually being a Hoe…

Or Jane the Soldier.

Guess what, the bank has just crashed.

I’m no longer fearful of being alone.

Scared — yes, always.

But I refuse to live in fear.

I have been alone all my life.

The wickedest part of it is

When I am with someone,

But still alone.

You know what I mean…

Yes, YOU.

I used to keep responding

With faith-hope-love

To any hint of affection,

Any scrap dangled in front of my nose…

I gave myself away

For the clearance sale payment,

Not knowing how precious I am.

You didn’t want me to know.

You were all set and cushy,

Getting the treasure for almost-free:

Not much more than you’d pay

For a Goodwill item.

Unfortunately all men

Do that to an extent —

It’s how centuries of conditioning work.

And it’s so easy for them to pretend

It’s fine this way,

Especially if a ‘good guy’

Is running away from the naked truth:

He has been a dork.

Not an obvious jerk —

Oh no, he is better!

But not much, not enough

To be truly different.

My love has to be deserved.

I have nothing to lose.

But you guys have a lot at stake…

That’s too bad, I’m hitting the brake.

You didn’t expect it?

Right, I only used to have

Two accelerator pedals,

But I had to innovate. Adapt or die, ya’ know?

I’m evolving — and you’re not.

I’m saying “Yes” to life,

With or without you in it.

I am withholding benefits that you can’t live without…

Yes, YOU.

As a Facebook meme said,

This gravy train has just derailed.

I’m sorry for being a bitch… well, not really.

You’re the one who should have been sorry.

But you never are…

Well, now you will be.

Yes, YOU.

Do you want to evolve with me?

Do you want to change?

I know you don’t —

But that’s the price to have me.

I’m very expensive.

I have a lot to offer —

LIFE, in many ways,

And that will cost me.

I have every fucking right

To price myself that high.

Seeing you walking away

Because you can’t afford me

And babbling that I’m faulty

Instead of admitting your failure —

That’s a comedy, not tragedy.

(To consider my age, nearly forty-three,

The last few lines are hard to apply…

A woman’s value decreases as her age increases.

I am facing that with horror,

But I know I’ve been looking for love all my life,

Only to run into males

Who wasted my time, the most precious time.

I am enraged, shocked, grieved, pained about that.

You owe me… you sure do.

But don’t expect me to go collect the debt.

I may not have a sixteen-year-old body anymore,

Which was neglected, ridiculed, downplayed,

While secretly desired…

But I have class.

I’ve been a good girl after all —

In a bad, bad world. I feel cheated. Big time.)

I have stood my ground.

I no longer allow you to profane me —

And through that, yourself.

Perhaps I’ll die alone — but maybe not.

I have cleared the space

For those eager to pay,

And I don’t mean just money.

I may or may no longer be able to have children,

But I’m still something that you guys

Can’t live without.

Once you begin to feel

Half as hungry as I’ve been, my whole life —

The competition for me will be tough,

Even though you’re in no hurry

To admit it.

I’ll wait…

With each drop of moon blood waning away,

Draining away, counting time stolen from me

I will paint my exits, into happiness.

I am at that point when hurrying no longer matters.

The tipping point.

I’ll have you eat out of my hand… maybe.

I’ll have you beg me for more ‘maybes’—

Just the way you did it to me.

Yes, YOU.

And since my time is more valuable than yours,

I’ll take what’s mine with highest interest.

It’s my birthright,

Which I have never enjoyed. Ever.

I’ll have you bring it to me

On a silver platter,

And beg me on your knees

To not refuse you.

Just the way you made me cry

My eyes, my whole heart out,

Breaking into shards,

Humiliated and rejected,

Because you’ve found a new toy,

Or broke this one and wouldn’t fix it…

Or just spaced out and let me down.

Some DIY repair, some help from friends…

Lady Frankenstein is back,

Few wires connected differently,

Short-circuiting if needed…

I don’t envy you. It’s fair.

Back to beginning…

I sure want to say “Yes” to you.

There’s nothing I want more than love;

Having the man lose his head over me.

Don’t worry — same will happen

On my part,

If yours is real.

No gimmicks, please.

It’s up to you… you are THE MAN,

So you take action,

And show me, not just tell,

What you are worth.

Are you the one to say “Yes” to?

September 2019.