Xena on a Bender

I pray for creativity to pour over me like a willow tree from a Disney scene.

Remembering the time when I was just a preteen.

Fantasizing about being kissed by the boy of my dreams.

I was just a virgin then I didn't know anything.

My innocence was apparent and even though I had parents they didn't know very much about me.

They may have always seen where I was going physically, but they never knew where I was headed mentally or spiritually.

Nightly magic carpet rides with Aladdin by my side.

Talk about the best little girl high.

Even then I knew that there was more to life.

Climbing trees and hopping fences.

Giving to the poor what I would rob from the richest.

All the kingdoms princes, an archery battle as her parents insisted.

Competing for the heart of the most beautiful warrior princess.

That was me.

I was a little bit senseless...an unconscious mind with a woken body escaping to a world made up completely of my senses.

And to me this made sense.

This makes sense.

There really was such a time where I possessed complete innocence.

Somewhere along this journey I was introduced to guilt and shame.

They took up residence in my heart and I’ve never, ever... been the same.

Eviction notice after eviction notice and my deceitful wicked heart still let’s them back inside.

Just like that toxic couple who keep using one another just to stay high.

The rest of the family move in, comparison and fear are the first to arrive.

Then here comes self pity, loneliness, and anger, racking up the energy bill like this situation is a free ride.

Leaving me responsible for all of the expenses.

Trying to negotiate a payment plan and getting behind, the up hill climb looks endless.

Don’t look down!

I look.

But I can’t let go.

I’m in this.

I’m friendless.

There is no friends list.

I’ve burnt all of the bridges.

Numbing the pain, bottle after bottle, staying stuck, can’t move, not even inches.

The enemy is relentless.

He only speaks one language...lie.

And he speaks it loud enough for only me to hear.

“You can’t do this. You can’t do that. You weren’t enough for him. Shut up! No one cares to hear you share.”

“You suck! You’re not good at anything. What kind of mother gives up her child? The kind that doesn’t care.”

“Because you’re selfish. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re not smart. You’re stupid.”

Yeah...I’m aware.

You see the picture here?

I start to really believe that stuff.

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

And when I do try to stop, I don’t know how to stay...there.

I always feel scared.

So I run away and hide, behind the shadows, completely paralyzed by fear...and uncertainty.

Abusive relationships, one after the other.

Searching for myself in another...another persons identity.

Addiction becomes the driver of my life.

The engineer operator of this train that’s about to wreck and I secretly hope I don’t survive.

I want to die.

I hate being alive.

What’s the point in living, when you ain’t...living? Right?

I close my eyes...and try to remember the best little girl high.

Seems so far behind.

How did I get here?

When did I get here?

Facing reality is far to much to bare.

Get drunk.

Pass out.

Get drunk.

Sleep around.

Get drunk.

Get used.

Get abused.

Get bruised.

More booze.

And more booze.

That’s the only way I know how to cope.

I use.

I throw up my hands.

You win.

I loose.

Then something miraculous happens at the bottom of rock bottom.

In the cellar of the basement I find the tools to build a foundation...something solid.

I start reaching deeper.

I start digging through my soul.

I start to compartmentalize the different kinds of pain and where they come from...man, some of this stuff is so old.

I start to understand that all of this is a process...this is necessary.

The pain is necessary if you really want to grow.

The pain is necessary if you really want to know.

Who you are. Where you are. What you want, and what you need.

The act of dissecting all the stuff, separating the truth from fantasy.

You find yourself in today...reality.

This discovery has allowed me to be free.

The true warrior princess... she is finally...me.

...Buffering 11%