With Myself I am at War-Part 1

How many times must I lie.

How many times must I tell myself not to lie,

and then lie,

how many times.

How many times will I lie,

lie awake at night thinking about a lie,

how many times.

A pointless tale,

some harmless words.

The fabrications just unfurl.

No stopping their duplicity,

my words a spree of falsity.

No point. No reason. No Will.

My head thinks one thing and my mouth says another,

and my heart?

It wants no part in such trifles.

"Why did I say that?"

I think to myself.

"I'll say i made it up"

"I'll play it off like i'm being goofy."

Not hard to believe that this hobbit is kooky.

Do I say it though?

No.

And I know that it's strange, it doesn't make sense, I just wanna grow.

Out of this habit.

This senseless embarrassing useless habit.

The best that it gets me is smiles,

and a laugh or two once in a while.

The worst that it gets me is self defamation,

and shame that just beams through MY smile.

You're caught.

You choked.

Your caught you choked and you've only one option.

Just out with it.

Tell 'em it.

You don't know where it came from,

the silly things you say.

Some of the maddest of stories you've got,

are the truth every bit through and through!

What is to gain in this thing that you do?

Where does it come from?

How can I know?

My mind it has secrets,

Inside me they grow.

And what do I do?

Out of three times it's two.

I try to recover the falsehood it's true.

Almost never works,

almost always hurts.

Can't a thing like me say,

aloud what's floating through it's brain?

Apparently not.

But I do not dismay for I cling to a comforting thought.

If I try as I might,

one day,

my Will will take flight.

If I try as I might,

one day...

I'll win this fight.

And I'll be the better for it,

one step closer to winning the war against myself.