With Love comes Loss

When I was little, I didn't understand,

I was loved by everyone around me,

I didn't understand with love comes loss,

Then my great grandma passed,

With that my innocence was lost,

In high school, I didn't understand,

I had a plan,

I couldn't see how other people's hearts,

We're becoming a part of someone else,

That was until, I fell,

It was a few years later,

After a relationship that made everything unclear,

But then I understood,

What it was to be loved and to love someone back,

Seeing a future with someone, them learning about your past,

But with love comes loss,

And some things aren't meant to last,

Now I sit here 5 years later,

With an understanding that is greater,

From what I thought love would look like,

But, if I were honest,

I have been chasing,

Dreaming to find a conquest,

Where I once again experience a love where I feel understood,

Seen, loved, someone where together we are the depiction of good,

I crave that feeling,

I wish I didn't,

I wish 5 months alone in my bed didn't feel like a penance,

Parts of me wish I could re-find my high school self,

The girl who never needed any love from someone else,

But I understand,

I understand this is a part of my life's plan,

I understand the love I desire is not the same as those I admire,

I understand that the love I crave from my 20-year-old self,

Is not the same love I want now, versus what I have felt,

But I also understand me being alone,

Me feeling alone,

Is uncomfortable,

It leads me to write these pages,

About what I am learning throughout my ages,

But at the end of each page,

I am still in the dark,

Of what love even is to me now,

Because I can say I understand,

Because I have felt love before,

But I been trying to find something, I don't even know,

But with love comes loss,

They are forever intertangled,

Though I have experienced both,

I am at a loss for what love is.

And honestly, I just want to understand.