Where To Go From Here

This time was harder.

It feels like an outer body experience.

Like I am a puppet on a string

no longer in my own skin or body

or mind

locked away in some closet while someone out in the world is controlling me.

It doesn't sound right, but it is.

This is the only way I can describe this.

The moments of pure insanity that cross over me is, well, insane.

I try to stay sane because of my job, my relationship, and my livelihood

but trust me, it isn't working.

I am severely homesick

Craving a familiar face

Craving laughter with someone other than coworkers and my boyfriend.

It all seems routine now.

Being rushed in life

Being rushed to figure things out

Being rushed to fly and soar when I wasn't even ready to jump

But the push was there

And I had no choice but to dive head first into whatever abyss I am in.

Trying to stay afloat but I feel myself slowly sinking

and beginning to crave my old life, my old self

the self I was growing out of

but now I don't know who this new person is.

How does everyone around me seem to see me for me, when I don't even know who I am at the moment?

The feelings of loneliness take me over, even when my boyfriend is around.

Love sometimes doesn't heal and combat every wound and demon we own.

This is becoming my truth.

Maybe that is the purpose of this time.

To uncover the darkness that I never really saw before?

To have it all smack me in my face so that I can get to the other side,

because no one can heal you

no one can take your pain away

no one can unleash it all...

All of that is on you,

but in your own time, no one else's.

So, for now, I stay diving

Head first

Into the abyss that I just know.

Swallowing fear as I go down, mostly with my eyes closed,

body clenched tight, mouth closed, hair straight back by the wind,

going down so fast my face feels like it is getting ripped off,

Only to hopefully, one day soon, come to a complete HALT,

mid air,

dead center life malfunction,

and begin to just float,

in place,

in the most calming abyss known to the supernatural world.