where have I been

I’m sitting here dumbfounded and numb and the only thing of condolence I get is that I am the older one now.

As if I haven’t been trying to learn how to be an older sister for years now, no one ever tells you how to be the second oldest. I’ve been playing the role of little sister for so long I can’t figure out the older from the younger.

I’m sitting looking at my two younger sisters and I imagine my older sister and me. I imagine how they could be us in another life or rather they are us in another life.

Sometimes I think I am not needed around and I’m just waiting for the universe to come knocking at my door. See, I have been waiting for the universe to tell me my time has come since you've been gone.

thinking,

maybe I’m the background noise to their lives. Here to watch the good version of my sister and me.

thinking,

maybe we got the shitty times to give them the good or maybe we are what carved a new path in the cosmic roadside.

thinking,

maybe I am supposed to die somehow, maybe not physically but in some way in order to move along this storyline.

I am cleaning out my closet, cleaning out my skeletons, and I see a little shirt with a pink blob on it, that WAS supposed to be a unicorn

another failed attempt, yet another memory of disappointment. If you were here it would have turned out better. See, we were a team, we were supposed to be big sisters together and now I was a little sister but I’m the big sister now.

It’s funny how right they are, sometimes your sisters are strangers and sometimes they’re saviors, and sometimes, most of the time, in my case they’re both.

In their case, I don't know where I land on stranger or savior; I feel as if I barely land on sister.

I'm finding it hard to take up space for both of us since you've been gone. I'm still learning to take up space for myself.

I've been trying to make it make sense somehow since you've been gone and each time it keeps landing back to me.

I've been trying to reach clarity since you've been gone but I am lost in this foggy haze of my inner self.

I am trying to piece my life together since you've been gone. I'm starting to see that this is life continued, I am life continued.