Fear

maybe I don’t feel fearful, but inadequate. I’m not scared of what you’ll say but what I can do.

maybe I’m not scared I’ll fail but I’m scared of successful responsibility and how it would look to fail at that.

maybe I am not scared of confrontation but about what happens after the confrontation; I am not scared of what has happened but about what I could make happen

maybe I am not alone, I am just not listening. It’s not that no one can hear me but it only takes myself to hear me out and I am not listening.

I am choking myself with my own fears, feeling like I’m Finn the human fighting off fear from my belly button. seeing it all manifest right out of myself. I’m staring myself down in the mirror; I hate mirrors, but I’m staring myself down and I start to scream as I see a cloud of fear start pouring out of me.

I watch it pour out of me, I still try to run, knowing I am the only one who can make it go away and the only one who brought it up in conversation.

think If I run far enough I might be able to exhaust the fear out of me. think if I yell loud enough I will drown out my own thoughts. The only way out is through! c’mon, when are we going to realize that?

If I can be fearful I can be courageous,

If I can be courageous I can be outrageous and that might get me somewhere.