What We Long For

I remember the day it took over

Like freezing limbs in the winter cold,

I shutter and stutter as I look over my shoulder

Searching the horizon for some sign of you

To lay my eyes upon your physical body just one more time

But all I end up seeing are the tears that fall from my eyes, I still can’t help but to cry

My body can’t seem to let go of the words that sang the song of your passing

Bittersweet blessings and the hardest life lessons

Were all he was familiar with experiencing

No wonder he could only hear the fear

Ringing, singing, pounding

Loudly in his own head

And no, his passing was not one he was asking for

So please hold back the assumptions

Leave the harsh judgements at the door

He was pushing away a life filled with pain to try and find the surface again

Maybe he felt like he could breathe finally

After a lifetime of living in fear and suffering silently

The only voice within shouted so loud he couldn’t feel anything but tears

We couldn’t feel anything but tears

So he drank a poison to drown his inner voice in

Which is a problem that stems back

From a place of deep lack,

A lack of self love

That stems from a problem that a small minded perspective rests too high up above

To see its own superficial stigmatization, its own degradation of a youth lost in artificial experimentation

A lost world where people feel the need to feed the gaps within their souls

The quiet cracks and ever expanding holes

They thought their body was to always remain whole, holy, an offering,

Sacred

They masked the self hatred to the point of stripping their true selves naked

So that the depths of their pain and vulnerability are exposed

Scattered all over the floor until it finds the strength to hurt them once more

And over and over again

They sacrifice their wellbeing to the gods of pain and misery

Just to force the voices to remain silent so that their own voice will sustain its quiet

Timid, shy demeanor

Because you taught us that vulnerability is a weakness

And that there was no other way around it

So within the mystical substances they went diving

And deep deep down below the surface

They found it

But it wasn’t the same as they’d hope for

And soon an ugly disease called addiction knocked heavily, incessantly upon their doors

And grabbed on to their minds until they became frozen in time, stuck with a one track line, repeating the words

I need it

And there was no escape as it continues to cause pain

And wreak havoc on more than just their own brains

The family and friends, they see it again and again

Attacking and attaching themselves to minds and bodies

Giving them far more than just a mouth to feed as they beg and they plead

For the one and only thing they truly need

As I’ve grown older, I have begun to wear their battle scars upon my own shoulders

As a commemoration to those that have loved and have lost

To those that gave everything they got, those that fought and fought

They are the souls we forgot

They are the souls some call on to rot

But I believe they are too often underestimated

They are not junkies and horrible people committing sinister acts of evil

They are running from the same pain that you feel

And their pain is just as strong, and just as real

Real enough to steal the souls of lost children

And believe me, in this case it did win

And that was the end for my brother, Colin

As he hid from the world he despised

He gained his wings to fly in a new life

And you’re kidding yourself if you think I won't learn to find some new advice

Not just some new place to hide

But to find a healthier way to silence my own voices inside

Instead of reaching for a vice

I have been lucky enough to learn to think twice

And because of these lessons my family’s cycle of torment has been sliced

Never again will our blood suffer inside

Our bodies will win

Our hearts will walk in stride

And I will keep moving forward, and keep fighting,

Fighting for his life

And fighting for mine.

- To you again, Colin.