What ifs & Maybes

What if I didn't wake up today, and nobody really cared. What if I was taken from this world, while my family and kids were spared.

Maybe then they would all live happier lives, free of my useless problems. They wouldn't have to worry about me, or have to help me solve them.

What if instead of my whining and sadness, they could be happier together. They wouldn't have to worry and stress about what has me under the weather.

Maybe I shouldn't panic and fuss, though I can't ever seem to help it. Maybe my anxiety is way to much, my pessimism an unfortunate habit.

But what if I woke each and every day and just try to do my best. What if, even when I falter a bit, I step back and try to take a rest.

Maybe I could just bury it deep, and not bother others with my drama. Maybe if I just held it in, my kids wouldn't worry about mama.

What if the therapy doesn't work and the meds keep on failing me. What if I'm never free from this curse and I keep on upsetting my family.

Maybe, however, it's all in my head. The panic, the worry, the stress. Maybe it would be ultimately worse if I were suddenly to pass.

What if, instead, I wake up tomorrow and pause and take a deep breath. What if, instead, I remember why I haven't been taken by death.

Maybe my kids still need me here, to love them and grow them up right. Maybe I'm not such a failure at all, because they are still hugging my neck so tight.

What if their love is all that I need to continue on each day. What if these greatest blessings of all are why I need to stay.

Maybe my family does love me, I'm not a burden and these things are untrue. Maybe my anxiety lies to me. Maybe my mind needs to be renewed.

I don't know how I'm suppose to do it. I don't know what will happen next. I do know I love my family. Though my mind is always so vexed.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will do everything that I can. I will look at my children and remember that God has a deeper plan.

I don't always understand things. I panic, I stress, I'm depressed. But I do know that maybe, just maybe my anxiety has me overly obsessed.

I will continue to move forward, because it is what my children need. I won't let my demons win and feel my head with weeds.

I will continue to grow, no matter how hard things seem. Because my children deserve better and I still have a dream.

I will grow them into men, who are strong and humble and kind. I will show them that even when you are troubled, you can still conquer your mind.

Mental health is important, that is something that they will see. But just like any illness, it is something that should be taken seriously.

So what if my demons tell me I'm to sad and to scared to go on. What if the bad thoughts keep coming and what if the pros become cons.

Maybe I'll have to take breaks or take some time to reflect. But maybe I'll come back just a little stronger than when I initially left.

I may never truly recover. I may never fully be happy. But I will always continue to try and give my kids the best of me.