What I Tell People

I tell people that

I'm clumsy

when my small sip

of morning coffee

becomes rubble staining

the floor they just cleaned.

always cleaning up

after me.

my mess

gets everywhere.

my shirt is

a used napkin.

so, I’m the mess.

"Oh, I’m such a mess!"

and we laugh about that.

I insist on

picking up the pieces.

the room becomes

three times bigger

when I hear,

"Be careful."

always reminding me

to pay attention.

I'm so wary

of attention.

it’s obvious

to everyone

when I’m not aware

except me

who’s not aware.

"Don’t worry. I'm

Just getting the

Big pieces first."

and we’re cool with that.

I tell people that

I'm clumsy

to explain my relief

when everything

is clean, again.

and they sit back

down to relax.

there’s a cut on my palm,

a shard in my foot,

and I’m tired again.

after a sip of coffee.

but I can deal.

"You hungry?"

"I could eat."

and we agree on that.

I tell people that

I'm clumsy

to lower expectations

after the clinking of plates

gives me vertigo. I dread

the fall of a dropped fork

and dropped food. and how

falling leads to

dropped conversations. and

maybe I should just drop

dinner.

I can barely

drink coffee

and now

I have to eat a meal…

I wish I had

the stomach for it.

"How much do you want?"

"I'm thinkin' like...tapas?"

and we chuckle over that.

I tell people that

I'm clumsy

so they forgive me when

I spill all over their

favorite things. best friends.

trips. get togethers.

parties. events. plans.

"I'm good. I don't need

help getting up."

and I do. but

we move on from that.

so, I can deal.

I tell people that

I'm clumsy

so they don't feel bad

when I need the sound

of my shattering

to reach an ear. when

I call and they

don't pick up. and

don't call back. or

text or help me

gather myself because

"Bro. You're such a mess."

and we didn't laugh that time.

so before they can ask

I tell people

"Sorry. Butt dial."

so I can…

you know. 'cause...

that's the deal.