What Have I Forgotten Now?

Today was his birthday. I live at the residence where he passed away. -—-The seizures hit me a week ago, causing me to break the toilet seat as I fell to the concrete floor. I'm still sore.--—- The "extended illness" mentioned in my brother's obituary is a euphemism for "years of drug abuse that ended in an overdose." It's curious to me that I've never seen his ghost.

You'd think he'd want to haunt me.

He woke up one morning throwing up blood, nearly dying at the age of two. Life was mean; so was his spleen. Of course my parents gave him more attention than their healthy son (me). Wouldn't you? I survived. I still do. \\\\\ A solitary__ bolt from the blue. ⚡////

He was born in 1963, two years after me. Who tells his story when I'm gone? I barely remember it myself after all the lightning-charged erasures that have thundered lividly through the neurons where less static brainwaves belong.

Five days ago, they sliced long incisions down my arm, leaving little red splotches of me on their floor. I am slowly healing, but too often I forget I'm healing. My arm still hurts when I move it wrong. Determining what amounts to 'wrong movement' will take more...

time

Is there ever enough?

My brother was so much better looking than me. All the girls swooned over him, mooned over him, longed to be left in a room with only him. It's humiliating how old I was before I finally lost my virginity. It wasn't until I met D that I overcame my own aversion to mirrors. D & I had chemistry. So what happened there? Enraged by me, he took off his engagement ring (the most expense gift I ever bought) and he threw it in the trash. I actually thought we would last.

'B & D 4-ever.' Ha!

💙+💚=💘-💚=💥💔💥

Why do I forget the little moments that I cherish, but remember viscerally every time I ever fucked up? __ LOSS<= calls attention to =>LOSS. __ Does only heartache last? Perseverance is achieved at what cost?

The connection is broken.

Everything important remains unspoken.

Frustration & disappointment permeate ⚡ My hands, my ears, my toes, my nose— glaciate 🥶 The remaining memories detonate 🤯💥

Old insecurities still hibernate

******************************refusing to thaw

Flesh taken 🩸 — Heart shattered 💔— Mind seized ⚡ — Soul battered

🩸

2024 has been as subtle as a bulldozer.

If it ends the way it started, I'll be seriously glad when it's over.

⚡

___________________Bolt ⚡