Twisted...and/or... Assisted...

In the year 2020, I bought a small black notebook.

I decided it was time to take a collective look,

at the many pages, letters, poems, stories and more.

Through my writings, me, myself and I have such a good rapport.

All my years worth of words describing my life,

the horrific thoughts, feelings, and memories cut like a knife.

I have practically memorized a special one from 1998.

The time has come to share, I no longer feel a need to wait.

So, for your judgement, as well as, your reading pleasure,

I submit to you; my most cherished and darkest written treasure.

With some hope,

that, with some help,

someday, everything will be better.

Poetic Suicide Letter

To whom it may or may not concern;

Whatever I may suffer, it's no less than I deserve.

Life changed me, and made me what I am today.

Doubtful, sad, ugly, cold and bitter; or maybe just insane.

All my life I've been somebody else's something-or-other.

An unwanted child, a battered wife, and a sorry mother.

I’m a dismal failure, the inherent, tragic cycle of abuse made complete;

by the wicked combination of constant rejection, agony, and defeat.

I'm supposed to be thankful; there is a reason for everything.

This includes all my deepest, darkest pain and suffering.

I am told there is a God, and that He is wonderful and kind.

But disbelief and negativity fill up the corners of my mind.

I question every little who, what, why, how, when, and where.

And, I trust no one, because, no one really cares.

I found words to be true, only, if they aren't spoken,

and hearts and promises are made, just to be broken.

Hatred runs far deeper than any love will ever grow,

causing my pride, spirit, and self-esteem to run low.

Hard knocks and hard times have taught me more than I can tell.

I may never go to heaven, but I think I lived in hell.

I've been put down and pushed around; and now it is so clear.

I'm condemned to a life full of confusion, grief, loneliness and fear.

Misery and discontent have settled over me like a shroud.

I give up! It’s as if my will to fight has been taken out.

Somehow, someway, I know it's all my own damn fault.

I must find a way to bring these inner struggles to a halt.

I don't have enough strength or courage to go on,

chances are nobody will even notice when I'm gone.

So, please always remember and don't ever forget,

whatever way out I may take, it's a sure bet,

that no one or nothing can ever hurt or torture me more than the past.

And, in the end, I will find some peace at last.

As I continue to struggle and contemplate my ultimate demise,

I would like to extend my farewell wishes and final goodbyes.

Still, I can't help but wonder if I’ll ever truly be free...

Signed Sincerely,

Me

PS YES!

No one or nothing is ever as it seems.

Perhaps my whole life has been one long nightmare of a dream.

Maybe, just before I die, I will suddenly wake up,

to find, my life's actually full of family, friends, happiness, and love.

I’m lost!

In my response!

To myself!

and everyone else!

I'm alive and I am well!

Not really, but there is so much more of my story to tell...

Today is the big day, March 12th!

I can hardly contain myself!

I've just been notified!

I've won first prize!

20,000 dollars!

I laughed and I hollered!

I really did not expect I would win!

However, I can’t help but to smile and grin!

This has all been just a mind-thing!

Not just for my amusement and mental well-being!

But with some hope, for some help!

Not just for myself!

But for others, as well, is my actual intention!

So, I entered this writing contest to get your attention!

Because everyone and everything can be deceiving!

For just a minute, I almost had me believing!

In my ability to create and rhyme with words!

Just to be heard!

I’ve always thought if I could just write...

My story would be sure to excite!

Unexpected twists and absurdities!

Nothing compares to what’s yet unheard in me!

Pathetic or poetic words of prose.

For me, about me, by me, and carefully composed.

Lines of the rhyming variety.

No beauty within, but out, in its entirety.

Letters that tell my story in a poem.

Well within the parameters I did roam.

My greatest wish...

Is to be published!

For all concerned to see,

that I have become a much better me.

At the time that this story was written,

it was actually fiction.

It is totally up to you,

to make it come true.

I have put you in a unique position,

to make this fictitious transition.

And, I'm not done

having fun,

this is not even THE END.

Because I'm not the one that pressed send.

Who did it then you might ask?

Who finished this task?

Before I answer that question,

I’m extremely proud to mention;

that everything is significantly better!

And, this is; The Last, Most Beautiful, Poetic, Part of My Story, Letter

To my dearest darling CJ, for you I pray.

You are just like me in too many ways.

You are the best without shame.

My one and only one in the same.

Congratulations! We did it!

Only you believed I would win it!

So, we both played a part,

in this original work of heart.

Many times we question what is real.

All I really know is how I feel.

I love you more than any words can express.

With you, I am truly blessed.

You took it upon yourself to make sure that this got sent.

I am so much more than pleased and content.

Because, you and me are we, this we did together.

Like..whatever glitches, and the glitches whatevered!

LOL! I love you still,

Always have, always will.

Please, always remember and don’t ever forget,

I'm not just your mema, I'm also your friend!

And now...Finally…This is THE END!

Thank you for this opportunity to take a chance,

to let my thoughts, feelings, and memories dance.

Also, thank you for your time.

With me, if only in my mind.

I predict, with 20 grand anticipation,

many thanks and deep appreciation.

Nothing left but quiet reflection.

In anticipation of more rejection.

Again, to win would certainly be unexpected!

But the praise and prize will be humbly accepted.

Just one more play on words,

in case I wasn't clearly heard,

I've always known that I could write.

And much to my surprise and delight,

I'm starting to believe in me, so no matter what, I’m winning!

And that definitely makes this...Just...THE BEGINNING!

Signed Originally, Me

PS YES!

Again! For the win!