Traumatic mutism

Immersing in the deepest chasm between the living and dead, I never knew how close I was struck by how

Much you made me feel after I had been gone for so long

I forgot all that I loved

Sordid grief handling me like a groping, angry monster

Why did you force me out of my coma?

Why did you make me leave my room of living death just for you to leave in a flurry of denials, denials and denials

I deny that you didn’t feel anything for me

I feel you made yourself believe you did not, that you were going to adjust to a whimsical secret that everyone knew that was sure to keep you safe from the ones who were right in front of you

The one who wanted all of you

Who needed all of you

Who felt promised to you

But it was all a lie

A lie I told myself as you once told me that, “You know what I mean, don’t you?” When I asked what you felt for me

When you told me over and over in your strategy, tragedy, majesty

Of unsaid love and penned madness

I float in your spaceless world

I float in your air with no fear, but I am

Pushed out, I live in dark blue space

Alone even with others around me

The death of my denial

Like a trail of light that was etched out from a intrusion of

False information

That felt like the warmest part of my heart being entangled with yours

But ran cold

Cold cold

I am mute now

Mute and small

I can’t live again like a large giant of life

If Not with you, not with anyone

Not like that, more muted and plain

Not like that, not like with you

Ever again

Electricity surges through our fingertips

Like an enemy battleship tackling our own forces

Friendly fire never felt the same way