Transmissions I

an old friend

there are nights

when my body plays cage

the space we take up feels too much

everything numbs

and that feeling returns

the one i can only describe as burning

my body does not love me

she returns

makes herself home in my chest

in my belly

there’s something familiar about it

the sting on your thighs

comforting me

(11.01.17)

bathroom haiku

man in the bathroom

why are you staring at me

i’m meant to be here

(14.10.17)

boys don't cry

i wanna be that

hit me hard

daredevil soul

feel his arms

trophy boy

i wanna be that

little taller

dream boat

punk rock

pretty boy

i wanna be that

inspiration

i know him

actor’s heart

poet boy

i wanna be that

chin dusted

heart surgery

straight down

testosterone boy

i wanna be that boy

i wanna be me

but i can never be that boy

if it’s true that boys don’t cry

(30.05.16)

gorgeous to hide behind

in a way

i miss the sadness

i miss the home that never was

the beautiful you never thought you were

where did your pretty go

who’s wearing your flowered dress now

who’s lips are your boyfriends kissing

what will you do with no gorgeous to hide behind

who could have known this was to come

i miss church

the red the pastor turned you

the blood running to your holy cheeks

when the congregation applauded

at the fact that you would burn for this

that this secret would be the end of you

the vomit that came up in that bathroom

the god that frowned upon the smell

i miss the way boys used to look at you

when you were something to be desired

when you made others feel more than confused

when you weren’t an inconvenience to love

stolen innocence is better over beauty

than over being unwanted

i suppose you pick your poison

i miss when dysphoria named itself starving

when you had something

more convenient to not talk about

when your thoughts

were more threatening

than those of others

i miss the way you looked

every night you cried

at least there was something

romantic about it

the way the moonlight

made your bones stick out

it was something

boys could fall in love with

you were such a pretty girl

why’d you ruin yourself like this

you were such a happy girl

why couldn’t you see it for yourself

you were a trophy

no

you were not happy

but how will you learn to be now

that space that played safe haven

at least, was warm

so you’re not sure if you miss the sadness

you just know

this world wants you to

(16.07.16)