Today was the first time I lied

Today was the first time I lied.

It was also when I realised, I hadn’t, actually, lied.

I work a lot. 50+ hours a week, unsociable hours. Yet I do well to be social; to see my friends, my family, stay on top of things.

It’s not easy, juggling this thing we call ‘adulthood’.

I had plans this evening. Dinner, but it fell through. So now I’m left with a free evening. To myself. No work, no family, no friends, no anyone else – just me, time for me.

I was thrilled.

I don’t allow for much time to myself. It’s either work or socialising and since I work so much, I do my best to slot all the people I care about into my free availability. Since I work so much, I feel I need to see everyone. How many weeks can we run over before we stop trying?

I decided what I would do.

I’d go for a swim – its my hobby, my exercise – then I’d read my new poetry book (the one that isn’t actually new, as I got it a month ago, but hadn’t gotten round to it) and to top it off I’d cook for myself and sit down for a movie (horror, if anyone cares, my favourite genre).

Ping goes the phone.

Hey! You said you were off today, I remember. You got any plans tonight?

Oh no. And yes, I feel bad for saying ‘oh no’. I feel awful. It’s nice to have friends who want to see you, that make the effort to ask and reach out. And normally last minuet I wouldn’t be able to do – I organise myself at least 5-7 business days in advance. Last minuet isn’t just not in my bones, I’ve wired myself to leave nothing to last minute, always on top of it all.

Yet, here I am, completely available last minute.

It’s almost such a miracle we could call it a sign from above.

And she is fantastic, and I’d feel terrible saying no, knowing I am completely ready to walk out the door in less than 20mins to meet wherever we decide.

But I so looked forward to this evening alone. A one evening to myself. So excited for some time for me. I’d planned it

I planned it.

Hey! Sorry I have plans this evening.

I typed it out, then deleted the ‘sorry’ – because really, I had nothing to be sorry about – and sent. I bit a nail off with anxiety (okay, three nails) because had I really just done that? Really lied that I had plans when all I would do is sit on the couch and read and watch a movie?

I had plans. Plans with myself, for myself to be, by myself.

An introvert really needs to take care of oneself.

We all need to take care of ourselves, far more than we currently do.

Its perfectly fine to plan to be alone and do things for yourself. Its not selfish. You have plans.