To My Oldest Baby Girl

Baby Girl,

It was a cold Sunday morning

When I looked over at the window to see a glimpse of light shining through,

One last push until you came out

Then they put you on my chest, and you covered me in poo!

The nurses wiped it away

None of that mattered,

Time stood still

And all I thought I knew about love shattered.

Oh my baby girl

You saved my life,

Loving you feels so much better

Than being anybody’s wife.

You’re four years old now

About to be a big sister

Where did the time go?

My little silly goose; my trickster.

Baby girl today my heart aches

And that is why I am writing to you,

I keep making so many mistakes

And sometimes I don’t know what to do.

Forgive me for the times I’m impatient,

For the unhealed parts of me lashing out;

I forget you’re just a little girl

Who shouldn’t hear her mother shout.

You are the light of my life

Reminding me of the importance of self-love,

My most precious gift

Sent to me from above.

Each day I pray to do better

So that we’ll always be close,

We’re honestly growing together

As I attempt to heal the behaviors my wounds impose.

I sit here wishing I could go back in time

Knowing damn well it does me no good,

I just want to do this mom thing right

Knowing that sometimes you feel so misunderstood.

Mommy isn’t perfect,

But baby girl I just want you to know,

That I’ll never stop fighting to be the best

Because it’s an honor to watch you grow.

I know that when you’re older

There are going to be certain things that need healing

Because of the mistakes that I made;

I think every mother knows that feeling...

However, I never want to be bitter

When you call me out for something in the past,

I want you to know you call always trust me

To work through it with you, and never put your name on blast.

No matter who you decide to be

Or what you choose to do,

I’ll always accept you for who you are,

For my love for you is true.

Love always,

Mommy