To My Future Wife

i don't feel marriage is for me but i remain open to exploring those possibilities should i meet you and discover—much to my surprise—we're compatible in that particular framing. i haven't accumulated enough solid references of what marriage is to provide me with a compelling reason for marital commitment, and maybe it'll never feel like a sensible decision to me but what i do know is i'm not interested in merging my life with you if your ideas about marriage don't stretch any further than you and i populating a "perfect portrait" that comes at the expense of our perception of our individual selves becoming distorted or obsolete by our union. this isn't me flexing my depth or trying to overcomplicate things, this is me having a deeper understanding of who i am and what i need in a partner for it to make internal sense.

what do i need?

i need you to ask and mean it, as will i.

i need to always know where i begin when i see us. i need to always be able to recognize and identify myself in a mirror when i see myself without you.

i need you to always know where you begin when you see us.

i need you to always be able to recognize and identify yourself in a mirror when you see yourself without me.

i need you to know that i'm not perfect nor will i love you onto a pedestal. i say this to say what? i need you to love me enough to hold me accountable as i will love you enough to hold you accountable.

i need you to reexamine intimacy for the sake of understanding my desire for closeness beyond touch.

i'm wild at heart, my mind travels faster than the speed of lips and other moving objects, and i need you to see me through a wider lens far removed from your self-projections or superficial expectations of me.

i need you to see me—the way i'll make a heartfelt and conscious effort to see you—even when my cues aren't painfully obvious.

and finally, i need you to respect the silent space in my heart when i don't spell noise the same.