These Two Words

There’s these two words floating through my head.

The weight and pain they carry so significant in comparison to their simplicity.

Their power held in the context by which they’re used.

Two words which bring with them many memories. Memories of which I have been made.

Words that have shaped me, carved me into sharp edges.

Words that can change a smile to a frown.

Just when I think I’ve taken the power back, attempted to escape them, I’m wrong.

Like a bus they hit me, in the moment something occurs to remind me of their meaning of why they’ve become attached to me.

Reminders and triggers are everywhere, from the places I go, to the people on social media I can’t compete with.

These two little words so insignificant when apart, and total opposites as well. Once put together are a painful mantra that is hardest to escape.

These two words pull me from my sleep, invade my thoughts throughout the day… and worst of all, I see them painted across my face every time I look in the mirror. As if tattooed with ink that is only visible to me.

Though I wonder if over time the visibility becomes clearer to others. Those who try to get to know me. Try to get passed my sharp edges.

Edges which look like a gracious, kind, giving person. But are truly there as a safeguard. Because beneath that are those two words which have been on repeat weaving together to form who I am.

That is what I fear most. Not death. Not loneliness. Not homelessness. Instead, I fear that those two words are true. That no matter how hard I try, those words define me at my core. Then those I love most eventually realize it and either walk away, pretend it’s not true, or find ways to show me my fear is true.

Amazing how two little words can have so much power when we let them.

Can you guess the words?