the vengeance of seagulls

the butterflies

have morphed into

seagulls these days.

aggressive,

all at once,

with a vengeance for

whatever they can find.

never about specificity,

but about big ideas,

and hopeless dreams;

about things so beyond

anything predictable.

...

the seagulls

ravage my body,

tearing apart limb from

torso from limb like an

abandoned french fry

on a beach.

you never realize how heavy

your head is until your neck

no longer wants to carry it;

you never realize how heavy

your existence is

until you want to crawl out of

your own body to get some space,

shed your skin, leave it behind

as an offering to the seagulls, and start

anew.

you beg your body for

a quiet moment,

for a peaceful thought,

for a good night's sleep.

the seagulls

are not done,

and there are more of them

than you.

...

it is loud

and chaotic here,

as it almost always has

been.

not even you could

save me from this;

distract me yes,

save me–never.

not even I can

save me from this;

distract myself yes,

save myself–

....

someday I hope

to be a lovely

butterfly garden,

instead of a

taped off scene

of dismemberment

set to the tune of my

own self destruction.

I hope that the seagulls

fly away one day,

and never find their way

back.

that when I shed my

skin again,

they can no longer

recognize me in the

vengeance they once had.

....

See me for something

new, because I'm trying.

See me for exactly how

I am, because that's

what you get. Come

to me each day, heart open.

Love me where I stand

today and do not

pack me up in a box

to be opened when you're ready.

I will not be here.

...

To be a lovely garden of

oxalis triangularis purple shamrock,

a ray of smiles on a cloudy day,

a raindrop in a drought;

that is my dream.

To shed this skin

that holds me back,

and keeps me

wedged between

my worst habits and

my past. I have realized

I no longer want to carry

these.

I am trying to shed

so I can cocoon and

become something

bigger than

what I have

ever offered.

Bigger than

the seagulls.