The universe's mind, the universes's lies

What a cruel life sentence it is, to want to be anyone aside from who you really are. To learn at such a ripe age, that your body is not yours, and your life is not art. Every demon demands a pound of flesh- and you are born to serve pleasure, God forbid you learned that an ounce of respect, is what you've always deserved. Grown men, growing feral at the scent of innocence. What a tiresome existence life has been. Molded by the hands of a God who enjoys a laugh or two. Decimated by the hands of men who enjoy when little girls cry over them. Slowly ripping you apart, clutching your neck in their teeth, but they teach you that you'll be into it, it's called "erotic asphyxiation". But what they've done to you... it's not the fun kind of suffocation. With barely any room to grow, you were groomed into so many beliefs- that weren't your own. Going in for seconds and thirds. You allowed men to feast, because you used to believe "true evil" cannot exist in a human, and you grew up in a home that taught you, love is supposed to hurt. Here are a few things i have learned along my way: Blood runs red, bruises morph into deep indigo blues, the harder their hands land on you- so keep their egos fed. Never forget to feed myself too, because for as insane I am, I have beauty to make up for it, and now my head has gotten as big as the moon. Keep my habits up, keep my head looking north no matter what, and it will all be over soon. There won't be any more reason to erase the past, if it is all over soon. Make your decision fast so that there's no time for turning back.

Tricky escapes, that would look like happy accidents, because I've been convinced it would make no difference. I am told not to listen, but why would things like that be said to me with no reason? I cannot begin to explain away the irreparable damage that has been made. Are all these experiences gift? a curse? a test? an understanding- and it is exhausting fighting the memories of every wrongdoing. The people I meet along the way, I love more than I could ever love my own reflection. What a terrible thing that is too. Expect people to love you the way you never do. Even more cruel, with this self-awareness, the cycle will not relent. I never get the clue. What else would I expect, from going through life self-medicated?

Patiently wait, for death to stop blowing bubbles, climb off the ceiling and take me away. I am tired of chasing the tastes. I believe there is a place where I can get away from me, and sleep. God and all his angels know I get none of it after the sun sets. If a gracious God were to finally will it to happen, an imminent end, to all the mental gymnastics- I hope the people I love are finally happy for me, and without, excited for me to rest. I hear that a "haven" is a place where nothing ever happens, and nothing exists.

With so much love I still have to give, moments that don't yet exist, I vow to live with a little more incentive. No longer as if I am begging for be the end of a thread. I will still have very bad days, where all I can focus on, is who I have been. But tomorrow is a chance to feel better, and I have finally made a decision.

-g.m.t.