The two that are me.

I feel completely useless. Like I'm walking around trying to find a light switch. Like it’s my first day on earth. Like I’ve landed here to explore and see the beauty everywhere, but I don’t. Instead I see things for what they are and I want to go home now. I feel nothing but boredom.

Any other emotion is quickly swept away after no time at all because I recognise the futility of it. Of anger. Of fear. Of joy even. It’s human. Everything is necessary and only observable. Everything is nothing more or less than what it should be. So what’s better? To live in boredom of observation wanting to go home to a planet I hope to God is better than this one. Or to get swept up in the emotion of humanity.

I just don’t want to be alive anymore. That’s what it comes down to. I have a strong knowing of my mission and my purpose. But I don’t like it, I’ve been given faulty tools. A weak ship. No support from the mother ship.

I’m like two beings. I’m Penny. And she is fucking useless. She is broken and boring and gets in her own way. Her fears and insecurities are like granted wishes. But no wish of salvation will ever come true. Even now. She is the one typing. She is the one hating herself. And anyone who dares to love her must be lying. They must be mistaken. Because in reality, she wasn’t good enough for her father to stay. He had to get another daughter. And that’s the root of this. And as much as I know that’s bullshit and nothing more than unresolved trauma, she still has the need for fatherly love and that gap is so raw and glaring. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t love her. I want her to die. So why should anyone else love her.

And then there is someone else. Fuck it, let’s use my new bullshit spiritual name. Then there is Annapurna, she is the most powerful being I’ve ever come across. More so than any guru or shaman. She is pure love and strength and nothing comes close in comparison. She is beautiful and funny and intelligent and kind and everything I am without trying to be more and it’s enough.

Although, when I look in the mirror, or at a photo of myself … I don’t see Annapurna … I see Penny. I don’t see me. I see a stranger that I cannot love no matter how hard I try.