The Search For Joy

I never knew that healing would hurt like this,

that diving deep into my emotions meant ripping open old wounds,

reliving suppressed nightmares,

battling every demon that chased me through the dark.

Nobody could have prepared me for how lost I was going to feel.

Nobody could have explained the nihilism that I found myself in day after day,

wondering why I even bothered getting up in the morning.

But I did.

Day after day, I got up.

Even on the days I didn't know why.

I dove deep,

I plunged myself into wounds I couldn't even remember existing,

I dove so deep into my own psyche that I violated my own privacy.

I walked again through every painful memory and every trauma that had previously wandered unchecked through my subconscious thoughts.

And I fought.

I fought against myself,

I fought against my fears,

I battled with the monster in my nightmares,

and the one I had become.

A kaleidoscope of voices from my past had become the voice of 'reason' in my head I was meant to trust.

Instead she twisted my words like poisoned spells,

blinding me to the depth and complexity of my reality.

I never thought healing would hurt like this, but I never imagined the joy I could feel either.

The sweet release of being exactly who I am at this moment, fearing nothing,

The pride I would feel every time I slayed the beasts from my memories,

The compassion I was capable of feeling for that shattered part of myself, loving her in ways no one else could.

I found bliss,

I found light shining through my cracked façade,

A peace within myself that no one could shake.

I found myself.