The Schnook's Lament

I really hope that you find love and happiness,

Between what you have and deserve, exists an abyss,

Your creativity - a mastery of artistry,

A symphony of brilliance, unparalleled beauty,

From yarns of marvel, love, authenticity,

The joy and love, abundant in tapestry you weave,

Simplicity blossoms from depths of such intricacy

A kaleidoscopic impossibility.

*

I’ll hang onto every word and image,

I’ll always be your biggest fan,

I’ll buy a ticket to each and every show,

Even the film you make to tell me “I told you so”.

*

Your vanishing act, disappeared without a trace,

Without a word; wellbeing and whereabouts unknown,

That hurts and I don’t think that’ll ever change,

It’ll stay the same, in due course

Not knowing, means it can’t get any worse

*

Maybe one day you’ll be found,

When your talents are world renowned,

While I self-medicate, by myself whilst in a crowd,

Thinking about the dumb things that destroyed your trust,

Thoughtless acts relieving my anxiety,

Turned you into a monster - the illogical, possessive variety,

And made me break your tender heart.

*

And I said, sweetheart, I’ve never cheated,

It was just porn, it won’t be repeated,

It’s not that bad, you’re acting crazy,

Defending the worst in me,

With complacency, I crossed your boundary.

*

And I said, sweetheart,

To think you could achieve success without an audience,

Arguing your work needs to be palatable,

Break into the mainstream a necessity,

Before breaking the rules dictated by the industry,

For you to live that wonderful life,

Complete freedom in your creativity,

… you stopped, then sighed

A sensitive soul, the tears you cried,

But you were right…

You’re going to make that film, write that book,

You’re going to make me look,

The epitome of a schnook.

*

I know that you'll find love and happiness,

And your art, resplendence, luminescence,

I’ll admire from a distance

And remember, those rules and conventions you held in irreverence.

*

Your vanishing act – whereabouts still unknown,

Facing cancer and brain tumours – fears you’d sown,

Four years, best friends – shortly after, your health unknown,

Cruel or inexplicable, you must admit it strange,

That hurts and I don’t think that’ll ever change,

I'll miss you more than ever, at best, it’ll stay the same.

*

Sometimes I lay down, deep in regret,

Contemplating what could have been,

What should have been, what would have been,

Until I sleep or reach my untimely death.

*

Maybe I’ll be alone forever,

But I’m getting used to it,

Replacement You’s, pale in comparison,

Ever since we called it quits.

*

I hope you no longer cry at night,

Pain is just a part of life,

But I’ve always known,

Life without you, is a rough way to go,

So when I choose escapism and self-destruction,

Pretending it’s all okay and my future doesn’t scare me,

Family history of addiction and mental illness,

I’m reminded it exists inside my head,

And if it clicks, I’ll run from myself until I'm dead.,

Too many family members who took their lives,

So I lay down in bed and think…

About this life…

And if I even… like it…

*

But I know that I’ll find love and happiness ,

I think it's in my heart, or hiding in my art,

It was in your heart, now somewhere else,

I’ve checked upon my mind’s every shelf

But I’ll keep looking under every rock

Picking every single lock

Delve the deepest depths,

Until I’m out of breaths,

Until I find that love and happiness we had.

*

You loved how I made everything an adventure,

And all the ways I made everything more fun…

Better late than never,

I became a better listener,

Let go of self-directed anger,

My muse, we were each other’s ideal collaborator,

My favourite actor, you were always the better filmmaker,

The heights and places I wanted to take you,

Those dreams yet to die,

I can show you - they’re all still alive.

*

It’s all my fault,

Chances blown,

But in mistakes made, I was not alone

You did things to me,

I’d never dare do to you,

At least mine were on a screen,

No semblance to reality,

Your excuses, coping mechanisms to deal with pain,

You couldn’t forgive me,

Even though mine were the same.

*

I never thought you’d ever leave,

Still find it hard to believe,

Mistakes were made, that we can’t take back ,

A life deprived of all we had,

Do you think that you can handle that?

*

I won’t give up, I won’t stay down,

Maybe you’ll come around, who knows,

But you should know, I'm still thoroughly in love with you,

I'm really scared that may never change,

But I'm done being so afraid, mindset rearranged,

Not completely selfless…

I really hope we both find love and happiness.

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My submission to: