“The only thing holding you back is you.”

I’m in my teens, and I’ve realized that math is required to achieve my longterm goal of becoming a vet. I am bad at math — for the most part, my teachers weren’t taught how to make it enjoyable for me, and I have some form of dyscalculia. It’s not formally diagnosed, but when you know what to look for it’s rather obvious.

I switch to another career path. I’m better at English. This seems reasonable.

I’m in college, and I don’t realize just how depressed I am, but things are getting worse. My family doesn’t know how to help. My school makes a few attempts, but really they just made things worse. I realize that writing and reading aren’t very fun when I’m not doing it for myself, so I pivot again.

I’m good with dogs. I can learn about dog behavior, and dogsit to support myself in the meantime. This seems reasonable.

I’m in my 20’s, and I find out I’ve been misled. The popular dog trainer I adored taught me to abuse my dog. He said it wasn’t abuse. That he was just giving “corrections.” That it was necessary to “be the pack leader.”

I tell the person helping me that I need a break from the course. I have an existential crisis about the thing I love most in the world. I don’t go back to the course.

I’ve been an adult for a while now, and I’m realizing that petsitting isn’t for me. I don’t want to conform to another person’s schedule and standards. I have my own — they’ve been carefully formed after years of probing. I’m not confident in saying I’ve studied, because it wasn’t at any recognized school, but I’ve learned how basic nutrition works and I have higher standards based on what I’ve learned.

I tell one person I can’t do this anymore. Another person lets me go. I think it’s for the best, but I don’t know what else to do.

I’m in my 30’s, and the job market is worse than it’s ever been. Companies are posting fake job listings in an attempt to appear robust, and no one who applies is going to hear back. Major companies routinely expect potential candidates to give them days of time and labor with no promise of compensation. Cutting edge positions that have only existed for a year require ten years of experience just to apply.

I take a job with a company that will let me work after a short onboarding process. I quit when they tell us to go to work during an active storm warning, then tell drivers to shelter in place because they “care about our safety.”

How am I the problem again?

I try again, try again, try again. Man was not meant to live alone. So why has man abandoned me? And why is man blaming me for the consequences of his actions?

I turn 32 this year.

Maybe I can get it this time.