The moon in the sky

How do you talk about the painful experiences that shaped you? I choose to keep those memories locked in a vault. When people learn something new about you, it changes how they view you. Locking away parts of you is easier. But locking away painful memories poisons your psyche.

I locked away my memories, kept them hidden in a vault. Why? Years wasted being afraid someone would call me slut or even worse say I deserved it. Nightmares had me waking up in a cold sweat. Leaving the light on all night resulted in broken sleep, but I did it for years until I met my husband. Falling asleep with him eliminated the fears that visited me at night.

A cocktail of anxiety and depression had been brewing inside of me for years, like a dam, that night busted it open. Panic attacks went from rare to common. Worry spread through my body like wildfire over the slightest things. People started commenting I was too jumpy, too anxious, too worried, and more sullen.

The day came when I felt had to rip this memory from my vault and spew it. I told my boyfriend, who would become my husband, everything. Poison spilled out of me as I gripped his hands tight. I worried he would run and flee. He stayed. He loved me despite the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Broken and worthless, he proved to me otherwise. The blame I had hidden from was absent. The disgust that I assumed he would feel never appeared.

Eighteen years have passed. The pain doesn’t cut as deep as it once did, but the scar of that night will remain on my psyche for years to come. Peace has arrived but some days I wake up and find its ugly cousin, anxiety, in my bed instead. Becoming a mother healed me in ways I never saw coming. I’m grateful for the person I am now and I refuse to spend any more time letting a monster win. Love conquers evil is what I always want to believe. My soul is untarnished, and it did not decrease my value. I am the phoenix who rose from the ashes of my past.