The Moments That Keep Me Here

Home is where I feel joy, a sense of safety, and love

Joy

Being in the warm sun with your best

Friends

At a dog beach

Floating in the cool ocean water with your people

On a hot day

Watching dogs play.

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Safety

Smells of vanilla and books

Feels like one big bear hug wrapping you in warmth and love

Sounds like soft rain on the windows.

Love

That memory that saved my life;

Of sitting on the couch at my mom’s feet / waiting like an eager

Puppy for a treat.

Then pouncing into her arms for a full-on bear hug,

Whether she was ready for it or not.

I was giddy with joy that she was my mom, and I could do things like that.

I was her daughter.

I am her daughter. Her daughter who could give and receive as many hugs as her heart desired.

…

"This would be what I missed the most if I died tonight", I thought to myself, as the handful of pills made their way into my system, to do the job I forced upon them / In death I would no longer be someone’s daughter.

I would no longer be able to give and receive that love.

As I felt my heart slow, I realized that my heart still had so much love left to give, so many more hugs to hug, hugs to receive.

So, I stayed.

I held on,

To that joy that my younger self felt while pouncing on my mom.

I held on to that loving feeling because I could feel my heart beating/ fighting to stay,

Stay where that love was, even when my depression had told me that there wasn’t any love left for me in this world.

In that moment when all I could feel was the beat of my heart diminishing, I knew there had to be more love yet to be found. More of that joy to be felt. I realized that in the moments when I thought I would be most at peace, when the world would go quiet, and my body would go still, I realized I made a mistake.

I realized I was still a daughter,

A sister,

A friend.

I realized that there was still love for me to feel; which meant that there was still a home for me

Here.

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If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideations, you are not alone, there is help available:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

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To see Riley performing this piece at a local coffee shop, click the link to follow to their YouTube channel