The hellish maze in my mind

As the night surrounds me in its cold and quiet hug,

instead of a peaceful feeling,

it is anxiety that starts filling me up.

I feel as if the twinkling stars

I can see through my window are

laughing at me, mocking my dream,

showing me how far it is from my reach, just like they are.

Because yes, stars, beautiful and untouchable shining gleams of the night,

comforting for so many, and yet here they are, hurting me so bad

because, how can I possibly embrace one?

And although I believe in me;

although I keep reminding myself how strong I am as the day goes by,

reminding myself that I have proved again and again that I can do whatever I want,

that nothing in my path has ever been able to stop me from following the light I have chosen as my guide,

that one which is my dream,

these noisy thoughts, which rip my soul apart,

have been getting louder and louder in the dark.

I feel like I'm trapped, as I'm drowning.

Even though I've been swimming so hard, harder than ever,

instead of breaking through the surface as it was expected by now,

is the other way around...

I'm going down instead of up.

So tonight, here I'm back and I'm petrified.

These voices in my head had managed to drag me back to this hellish maze,

which frightens me so bad.

I escaped it back in my teenager's days,

but only when I found it, my true north, my dream, my light.

I feel as I'm growing weaker under the weight of my loved ones' expectations...

But it's not only that.

Somehow, I feel like I'm losing myself...

But how come?

Having this goal is what has kept me going during so many, many years,

getting me through hard times.

So why there are voices yelling in my head now?

My bed isn't comfortable anymore.

I'm in pain. I'm troubled.

Shouldn't my bedroom be a place where I can feel safe?

A place where I can let go? Where my soul can heal and be free?

I even try sleeping outside, on the grass, outside with nature, but it isn't calming me down.

This pain and this feeling of helplessness are keeping me trapped in my own mind.

So many unwelcomed thoughts make a really loud voice...

and I can't shut it up.

My head hurts so bad.

My despair gets bigger and bigger.

My whole me is bleeding out.

This is the first time I have resented my decision of choosing a path

where only loneliness would be my closer pack.

I could use having someone who loves me giving me a hug.

The night is getting colder and colder.

The grass tickling my skin? I can barely feel it.

So numb, so tired.

I'm terrified my dreams are gonna get frozen before I find a way out.

That under the soft touch of the moon's light,

they will break into thousand pieces, so sharp,

that will cut me so deep, making me bleed out,

leaving nothing but emptiness behind.

The night is getting darker, colder, meaner,

making it almost impossible for me to keep sight of my light.

Why am I having such a hard time finding it shining through the black clouds in my mind?

I wonder if I should just give up.

Should I just forget about my dreams, bury them deep in my mind?

Would that avoid the pain, the devastation of not being able to reach them, of seeing them dying hard?

Should I just stop trying to escape this hellish maze?

Should I just...?

Should I just...?

No. No. No. Wait. I can't. I can't... can I?

Can I really just give up?

I have come so far.

No, I don't wanna stop fighting.

Just thinking about it breaks my heart.

That's not me. I won't accept that being me...

I won't...

I won't.

Ah, I'm hurting. So hopeless.

What are the odds of my dream becoming real?

How can I possibly reach out and touch the stars?

Is there a way? Or is it just a childish wish for me to think I'm gonna get there?

That if I keep going, giving my all, I'm gonna be able to reach my light?

Stand next to it and proudly smile?

Is it my dream tying me down,

dragging me down,

slowly killing me, and laughing at me with the twinkling stars?

Ah, all my being hurts and I can't take my eyes off the sky.

I can't stop hearing these voices in my head telling me I will never achieve what I wish.

I'm losing my strength, I need to stop.

I don't think I'll be able to make it out of this hellish maze this time.

Ah, my heart hurts. My head hurts.

I just wanna cry.

I want the tears to wash these horrible feelings and unwelcome thoughts away from my soul and heart.

I just wanna scream, let out my pain.

But no tears are coming to my eyes.

and the lump in my throat is keeping my voice locked up.

Instead, my eyes are still glued to the sky...

Waiting, maybe, for a miracle, a sign?

Oh, God, show me a shooting star.

Perhaps its magical aura would be enough to chase the dark clouds away from my head,

to give me the strength to keep going and find the way out of this hellish maze.

A shooting star to shut away these voices once and for all.

A shooting star to heal my soul.

A shooting star...