The fall of Jackie Bordeaux

“I’m bubbly, I’m bouncy, I’m happy in the mornin’. Sun’s shinin’, birds singin’, and I’m going for my coffee. Oh, my sister! I bet she’s grouchy… … … Whatcha readin’?”

“Must you sing to yourself? It’s like you’re on Adderall at Christmas time after having naughty sex with an elf. You make my mind compress with your overzealous bubbliness… and I’m reading cafe press.”

“Anything noteworthy in it? I’ve never really heard of it.”

“It’s not the title of it. Sometimes I think all your bubbly makes you a nit-wit.”

“Now, now, I’m still your sister. Play nice, thaw your ice.”

“What do you want? It's too early for cutesy, just be blunt.”

“Can I sit here?”

“It seems you already are dear.”

“Sometimes your frigid-aire door is left open too much and too long letting all your cold seep out. You should really shut that shit and seek some sun in which to lounge about.”

“What do you want Tracey?”

“To know what and how you're doing Jackie?”

“Why do you care?”

“Some might say because I do in fact care, but maybe it's only for appearance's sake cause you think I'm fake. But it’s really because I’m a wild child and I dare.”

“Seriously!?! Who’s watching? Who are these some that you mention?”

“Oh, for the love of God uncross your legs, uncross your arms, I’m not trying to throw daggers or harm. I’m feeding off your newfound vibe that literally, not metaphorically, is shitty. However, I will add… and not to make you mad… that tousled hair only looks good from the bed to the bath and wrinkled clothes from the floor to the wash, not constantly on. It's not posh! Seriously, save your wrath. I say this cause you stink of too much smoke and too much drink.”

“So does your subtlety. I mean I also have the ability to interrupt your morning routine and life to notate your misgivings, downfalls, and strife. But I don’t! Not to your face and/or in any public place. And I'm well aware of how I look, smell, and am. I do not need your constant reminder from your socially perfect self now and forevermore that I am now a sham.”

“All I’m saying is you’re in the public’s eye so have some care for the way you are seen. It’s not that hard to simply be clean.”

“Says you. But more to the point, setting aside the onlookers and other ne’er-do-wells; for who? For mum and dad? They’re dead. For Dean? He’s dead. For you? … Wow, I didn’t know you were a comedian.”

“Not joking, I’m surprised. With all our family pride, you just cast it aside. Poor, poor Jackie.”

“No, no! There is no poor, poor Jackie. I want for nothing. I ask for nothing. I seek nothing. I have chosen to be nothing. Knowingly, understandingly, completely semi-soberly I have chosen the path less traveled to allow me to unravel, with no intent to re-ravel myself for myself or anyone else. Accept that.”

“Why? Aren’t we supposed to laugh at all of this? Just keep on laughing at all the fucked up shit that has befallen us. Why can’t I want my sister to smile with me though her heart is dead? Smile with me though our parents are dead? Smile through the pounding in both our heads. Smile like the pain doesn’t exist? Because I, last left to you, don’t want to have you not exist too. Your pain is not my pain but that doesn’t mean my smile negates my own pain. We are both walking drenched through this endless rain.”

“Bravo Tracey! Excuse me while I refrain from clapping. That was, however, worthy of an Emmy.”

“I’m showing an open house at this address today. Stop by so you can wash your stank away. Maybe your laundry too… if you keep your attitude at bay.” Sliding a scrap of paper across the tiny table, she said, she stood, she turned, she left... and thought ironically to herself... you can only say so much to the blind, dumb, and deaf.

She looked alive,

but was almost dead.

She had tears held inside,

pins she would not shed.

She sipped coffee black

from a bone-white mug,

scolding hot,

like an icy hug.

To smack her in the face

WAKE UP!

Beyond occasionally passing out

she didn’t sleep at all.

So, she hid her eyes

from all other eyes

so upon them the sun couldn't fall.

She eternally,

internally,

questioned

how any of this was fun.

But she got free meals

and she got free drinks

nevermore answering to anyone.

She wore

dark shades

to hide her fading greens.

Shirts cut low

giving all those who looked a peep show.

Fitting jeans

and 4" heels

with bleached teeth

blood red lips and nails.

Walking with conviction

she was done with grace.

Her happiness

replaced by a fake face.

Wrapping the world around her pinky,

twisting them up in her words,

leaving them breathless

speechless

&

stripped

staring like do-do birds.

At the moment of climax

she’d slip out the back door.

She ripped everyone apart

from mind,

to soul,

to heart.

With her own sly, slick, lip, trick

that always kept them wanting more.

She wanted not one person,

woman or man,

to slip beyond her walls,

never get close, stay only a fan.

Never love them!

Always leave them!

Always, moving on to the next one.

Abandonment issues?

No, people were the issue.

Alcohol was her new best friend.

Pills were her new family.

Screw it,

“I allow me, to join the junkie trend.

I shall,

live alone,

sit alone,

eat alone,

eventhough not.”

There were people all around her,

lacking sustenance

intelligence

&

personality

but were all friends

through “shared sympathy”.

They’ll pretend,

then pass out together,

till next day pm.

When they’ll get up

&

fake it, again.

From the imagined perfection

that comes from addiction.

So our tolerance

increases

as our addictions

deepen

to erase the leaving

&

the imagined

believing

in

hope.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure if I’d see you here today or not.”

“It’s been 20 years to the day Tracey. I loved our parents too. And it is true, I may be a miserable bitch anymore but their deaths I never forgot. Their faces, their smells, their worries, their hells. It all, I’ve not forgot. Their kisses, their hugs, their tolerant shrugs. Their words, advice, love, and sacrifice. Never a day when I don’t replay all the sad and imagine what we could have had. It’s a futile emotional process that I wish would digress, but alas here I am as I am every year. It’s you that hasn’t been here to see me standing amongst their graves this way, my dear.”

“It is always nice when you announce my shortcomings and fears.”

With a daggering glare… “You were never around Tracey! So why now, why all of a sudden the emphatic, empathetic notions of loving?”

“You always did hold on to unnecessary grudges.”

“A grudge? You think my position with you won’t budge because of a grudge? Our parents died, we had a funeral, funeral over, you hop in a car, with whom I don’t know, I got a postcard from Dover... 6 months later! For the next 20 years, you’re a no-show, and all I can think is go fuck yourself hoe. That's holding a grudge?” Laughs derisively.

“Yep, that’s exactly what it sounds like. I’m sorry! Does that fix it, erase it, undo it, no! And I wouldn’t have thought it might. It’s long passed being awkward. But it’s not passed me trying to make us right. The only thing we can do is move onward from here. It astounds me, it’s like you enjoy living depressingly. Clinging to a shitty past that metaphorically and literally died. But I’m here now, I’m trying. Is there any way you can stop acting like a five-year-old and stop your bitchy crying?”

“Bitchy Crying !?! You’re like PTSD to me. Every time I look at you I wanna beat you till you’re black and blue.”

“Your mouth is like a dagger. Would it make you feel better to see me... stagger? You need to let the past go Jackie. What’s done is done and you’re here now and so am I. Forgive me already.” Sigh…

“You sound like any one of my regular 192 so-called friends and family I seem to keep running into. I put no merit to your words, I don’t trust you. So how about this... you stick around for the next 20 years graveling and then we can try talking. You may have, by then, gained my trust back... again.”

“Jackie, you know life doesn’t have to be miserable.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not like you. You can dismiss the misery and embrace the 'woo-hoo'. I simply don’t work that way. So you waste your breath trying to fix the now, with what you say. Can’t you go Kum-by-ya someone else and let me just move on with my day? In solidarity.”

“Jackie, I'm your sister regardless of if you’d like me to be and I’m not keeping you here, you’re not in chains, tied and bound, just to be clear.”

“You lost the right to be my sister when you gave it up. Let’s just make that clear. You can’t pick and choose when it’s convenient for you dear. ”

“You need help.”

“Dean didn't want help so I don't either. He didn't want to trouble me and I surely don't want to trouble you.” Walking away...

Screaming to say… “That’s debatable. You always trouble me and I’m not giving up on trying to fix the misbegotten. Even if you’ll never let it be forgotten.”

With sanity

turned off,

dreams disappear.

With screaming all done

ragging loses its fear

&

the bloody mess

from the broken mirror

is cleared.

That’s the point when

throwing away any reflection

of imagined affection

is poetic perception

that...

Life is a disgusting

misconception.

Souls leave.

Were they really alive?

Hard to believe

but there’s no more drive.

Understandably so,

when...

Seeing life so raw

means every day

will never thaw.

Creating cold days,

that become a black haze

with ice forming all around

&

hail falling down.

That’s when…

A life starts to form

of

sitting under fire lit skies

&

talking to imaginary flies

&

constantly asking why

'we end up all alone'?

Then we pass out

from our sins

because it's hard to know

where to begin.

Like how...

Understanding the black heart parades,

means a die hard

is dealing cards

of all spades.

Then...

Developing a hatred of days

cause no one can navigate the maze

of trying to get through life

while obsessed with a dead phase.

While...

Watching the time fly by

wondering why,

as we cuss at the fucking sky

forevermore.

And...

Hanging out

with gambling fools

who are

smoking KOOLS,

staring at ceilings,

denying all feeling,

deciding instead

to screw with everyone's head

because it’s better than healing.

Only how to...

Quickly

&

quietly

slip out the back door.

Noone has a care

to be there,

here,

anywhere,

near anymore.

Only how to chase the next bottle

with line after line,

so to float higher and higher

on imaginary twine.

~Orange Moon,

I have been waiting

Waiting for nothing to change

Change the course of this road

This road I’m traveling down

Down alone

Alone barefoot

Barefoot

&

Miserable

Miserable are my thoughts

Thoughts that drift by

By & bye as I …

Cry

Oh… how I used to…

Workaround the house

Dance around the house

Sing around the house

Paint around the house

Oh... how I had been...

So oblivious

Oblivious to the world around me

Me having missed his shift

His shift from happy to not~

~Orange Light,

Turn On!

But Don’t

obliterate

the grey.

It never

proves me wrong

&

it guides my way.

When...

ALL

I WANT

TO

DO

IS

CRY!

I want to lie on the ground,

stare at the sky,

curl up in a ball,

hide

no seek

&

CRY!

I’m hurting,

I’m breaking,

I’m falling apart!

.

.

.

DAMN HEART

~Orange Moon,

Above me, you hang.

It’s 2 am

you’re not here to bang.

You’re turned on...

to play?

Ok!

What say you today?

You crave

&

miss

the way we used to kiss?

Cause...

I crave

&

miss

the charismatic way

you’d portray

my thoughts.

~Orange moon,

Could my end be coming soon?

We had a serene simplicity

you & I,

that has unfortunately become

an intolerable complexity.

For societies brain

makes it hard to maintain.

All anyone does is

bitch

moan

&

complain.

But it’s my attitude,

about my loss,

that makes me insane.

~Orange moon,

No amount of pills or therapy

will take this pain away!

I can’t drink you away!

I can’t smoke you away!

I made you a part of me

Orange Moon.

A part that I now refuse

to make a spotless part

of my mind or heart.

~Orange Moon,

I need to be exactly as I am.

Be true to myself,

as you were true to yourself.

I won’t take help,

you refused help.

I will let raw life consume me,

as raw life consumed you.

As we are we

&

our vows meant that much to me.

She said to the Orange moon over her head

as she laid on her concrete bed,

that was situated across the street,

from her favorite watering hole retreat.

~Orange Moon

Before I die

I’ll have soared through the sky.

Before I lived

I was held in your arms.

Before another tear, I cry

I'll breathe a deep sigh.

Before I crack another smile

I’ll have lived a life worthwhile.

So…

Before next I pray

I’ll cross my heart,

as I’ve fallen,

fallen apart.

No one knows me,

like the ones who watch over me

&

even though, them, I cannot see

I know they're still always with me.

Before I dream again

I’ll have fallen asleep

to a sunrise in the east

&

sunset on the pacific west.

I've lived to see my best

&

now my absolute worst.

I’ve lived to drink a cup of tea a day

&

I’ve lived to hear the words

that people feel they need to say.

I’ve lived free!

I’ve live captured.

I’ve lived set free!

But caged

&

fractured.

I’m living to feel the coming of my end.

For...

I’ve learned to live

I’ve learned to love

I’ve lived to learn

I’ve lived to love

What love has taught me...

Is the world will turn without me

So before this day

becomes another night

I’ll live to see the vision

of pure light.

Before I become a star in the sky

I’ll have lived to have lived

&

lived to die.

~Orange moon,

I’ve,

saved the memories of our past

for the days that seemed to last.

I used to look around our home

at the things that screamed your name,

hearing our song on the radio

&

knowing nothing will be the same.

Because...

much like tonight

you simply turned off.

And now...

My thoughts need to disappear

for I have,

no more to fear.