The Demons Scream

There are days that my heart hurts,

Days wishing you were still near,

When I forget my strength and go to reach for yours,

Then the realisation you’re gone, followed by the tears.

***

Some days are easier than others,

It’s like living on the crest of an enormous wave,

I surf on the top, coasting along just fine,

Then crash to the shore, forgetting how to be strong and brave.

***

My fortitude was there at the end of the phone,

That perfect reminder that I was not all bad,

The line that dissolved my guilt just for a little while,

Showing me I did belong, I was more than a heart roaming nomad.

***

An endeavour of peace, you gave me it all,

And I felt that I did hold some worth,

Your hand reached across the distance,

Saving my grace, my sanity, my constant fight from birth.

***

Your heart was deeper than any I’ve ever known,

But you left a corner free for when I was in need,

You caught me when I fell, showed me the way when I was lost,

Knowing that I was stronger, that I’d survive, that I’d succeed.

***

My darkness hovers over the edge,

Now you’re not there it brews away in the storm,

Clouds of devastation just sitting on the horizon,

Waiting for the weakness, the disbelieve, the pain to reform.

***

The hollowness of my beating heart,

A hole that cannot be filled, never again,

Well not with love, kindness or hope,

As it’s overbearingly filled with pain.

***

I try to remember your words that gave me courage,

A little girl inside, forever lost and living in fear,

Reminds me again and again of the terror, the agony,

As that voice of the torturer raises its head to sneer.

***

Childhood traumas rule the roost,

The faster I run, the more they laugh in glee,

Now your words cannot tame the beast,

I fight, I hide, I flee.

***

I suffer in silence these days,

Your ear is no longer my guide,

My memories darken, my nightmares return,

With your disappearance my terror is bona fide.

***

Alone once more, the way forward is clouded in shadows,

The older I get, the louder my demons scream and shout,

My lifeline has gone, the rope tightens a notch,

The state of tomorrows forever in doubt.

***

I’ll hold on, riding this stormy beast to the end,

A smile on my face for the world to see,

But inside I’m dying, shrivelling to nothing,

Emerging into the shadows, an absentee nobody.

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Originally posted on Medium