The Color Of Fear

I stand here, frozen. A choice lies before me:

Do I let my fear define me, control me?

Or do I take control

Of my own life, conquer my fear,

Make my own choices?

*

For me,

The color of fear is purple.

It is like a squid, with tentacles that extend from my eyes to my heart.

When I see it, I become entangled in it.

Can't breathe, heart racing, the only thoughts in my head:

Get out!

Run away!

*

It took a long time to understand why, exactly, I would fear a color,

The last part of the rainbow?

I always said it was when I got sick,

When the fever gave me all the nightmares.

Millions of iridsecent purple bees swarming me in droves

Heavy purple ropes coiling up on my chest,

Suffocating,

Smothering me.

*

I'm sure the dreams made it worse

But they weren't the cause.

It was the boy.

The boy who loved me before I was ready to be loved.

The boy who loved me without asking if I wanted to be loved

Without asking my permission.

His favorite color was purple.

*

And so for years I was controlled by purple.

Can't go in that plum colored bathroom.

Can't sit by that violet binder.

Can't eat that cake with lavender icing.

*

And now I stand here

At my closet

Two shirts before me,

One is sapphire blue

One is royal purple

I need to pick a shirt to wear.

I have a choice to make. Do I let my fear control me?

Or do I take control?

Purple or blue?

Blue or purple?

*

I've spent months

Coming to terms with my fears,

Facing them

Purple is only a color. It can't harm me,

Can't actually reach down my throat

And stop my heart,

Close my lungs.

*

I can wear whatever damn shirt I choose.

*

My hand shakes

As I pull a shirt from the hangar.