The Chain

I’ve heard people say this hundreds of times over now,

“It’s going to be a lifelong process.”

Is this what they meant when they said it?

Am I doomed to repeat this pattern the rest of my life?

It’s driving me mad,

consuming each and every thought.

I’ll have happy ones for a moment,

I think maybe that’s just my brain distracting me from my reality…

Is this me?

The permanent me?

Because it seems no matter how good my intention,

Or how strong my drive to be better…

I somehow end up finding myself trying to crawl

back out of this mental hole I somehow keep falling in.

I know it’s not me anymore,

I know I want and deserve better.

So how am I here again?

Feeling the way I thought I was past by now.

Especially with such an amazing opportunity in my lap…

Why don’t I feel amazing though,

Or damn, even just happy…

Slipping, and again…

Those are common words in my vocabulary.

And I fucking hate it,

I hate the moment I realize I am stuck AGAIN.

The moment I realize I’ve allowed myself

to sink so deep

that it’s gonna take the fight of my life

to pull myself back out… AGAIN.

It doesn’t make sense,

because I try so hard.

I’m not a bad person,

I was just born and raised fucked up.

But I’m an adult now,

I’ve lived and loved,

cried and hated,

even cursed God himself.

And I finally felt for the first time

I found a path to take,

a direction to walk,

a way to find a sense of happiness and purpose…

since I can’t have you.

I was doing so well,

yet here I sit.

Toiling and straining my brain

trying to understand what step I took wrong.

Such a slippery spiral you are,

so cunning in your ways.

Telling me “It will be okay.”

Tricking me into the belief I can do it.

Then why am I here again…

I feel like it’s a curse.

A generational cycle maybe?

Looks like it for sure.

I’m the first one to really fight it,

but now I find myself asking…

"Am I really the one who can beat it?"