The case for sorrow

I read my last post through watery eyes.

How the mighty have fallen.

That was supposed to be my forever. How did it evaporate?

You were so real. Your eyes looking into mine. Your lips kissing my neck. Your hands around my waist.

Then you disappeared.

You were here but really you where nowhere.

Your eyes no longer looked for mine. Your lips forgot me. My body forgot yours.

I tried so hard. You were my forever.

It was like I dreamt it. It was like I read it somewhere and pretended it was mine. Pretended you were mine.

Once upon a time, you were everything I had dreamt of. You were my happy ending. We were going to make it.

But you need two people who want that, I couldn’t hold on alone. I couldn’t bring you forward into our future while you kept a hand on your past.

I couldn’t love you for the two of us, while you tried so hard not to love me.

I broke my own heart trying to hold on to yours. Trying to be a lucky one.

Perhaps, in love, I am not a lucky one. I want too much. I give too much. I am transparent like a glass of water.

But I think, in life, I am a lucky one. Because this love that I tried to give you, all of it, lives inside me. All my sunshine, all my sparkles, I carry them with me and through them I saw you as the most beautiful being.

Now I see your pain, I see your scars. You can’t love someone into healing themselves.

I never thought I would write a goodbye poem to you. Not you. Why you?

But I need to leave the memory of you somewhere else, outside of my heart, before it drowns with tears. I need the story of us to live somewhere else besides my memory and my sleepless nights.

I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but I also know you didn’t deserve me. I will never regret the love I gave you, because you needed it.

I leave you now, in these words, written in between tears, and I hope these are the last words I ever write you and this is the last sorrow you ever cause me.