The Avoidant

If I am not in control of the narrative,

and I have to give back after taking from you,

I wouldn’t be gaining anything more than what I have.

So why would I agree to this?

Why would I agree to lose any of my independence?

That doesn’t make any sense.

If I have to show up when you call,

and not just when I want to connect—

if you’re not just sitting there, waiting for me to get

because who knows when you’ll hear from me next,

this wouldn’t be as convenient for me,

now would it?

*

"Sorry, I was out with my friends."

"Yeah, just so busy with work, couldn’t text."

"Yeah, the last two weeks have just been so hectic,

I couldn’t even find ten seconds to check in."

"Yeah, I didn’t want to reply to you,

so that’s why I left you on read."

"Cool, hey—

can I spend the night this weekend?

Maybe we could start writing some love songs

that only I know will never be finished.

I can be there at seven?"

*

It will be several hours of me serenading you

over this follow-up call.

Then I’m going to scare myself.

And pull away.

And act like every text you send in the middle of the day

to connect after we had sex, again,

is fucking weird.

"Oh my God, you are suffocating me."

"Where did you get the idea that we were dating?"

No, no, no.

It was just games I was playing.

I just wanted to roleplay.

I just wanted the fantasy.

I could never be required to treat

love

and sex

and death

with the sanctity they deserve.

I thought it was innocent,

though I was never honest about my intentions.

Yeah, I heard you when you shared yours.

I just stayed quiet.

That’s not dishonest.

*

But, also, since you’ve realized this,

please, don’t tell anyone about it.

Nothing I did here was wrong.

Yeah, I know I used you after you buried that kid,

but also, I forget his name by now.

So you should get over it.

And besides, if others found out

that this is what I actually did,

it could ruin my business.

*

Wait.

You’re falling for me after I played house with you?

That’s stupid.

And you want me to reciprocate, too?

Absolutely not.

Wouldn’t that mean I would need to set boundaries

with the others?

And that I would have to be honest with you for—

what’s that word?

*Commitment?*

That would mean I’d have to be

fair.

And

I would have to

tell the truth.

And meet you right smack dab in the middle of all things, too.

How am I supposed to sleep with all of my "friends"

and also be seen in public on a date with you?

Invest consistently in only you?

Only you is not enough for me.

Honestly,

just

you

would never

be enough

for anyone.

*

So anyway, I need to know the whole town

and sow all of my seeds.

I cannot share anything that is meant for only me.

I could not feed my ego

or look cool in front of the guys,

and, no, why would I let them meet you

when I am just using you?

I know that I didn’t mention "no-strings-attached" when we met,

or in the months that I have been bread-crumbing you since,

but every time you remind me of our talk about being exclusive,

I’ll act like I don’t remember

from all the drugs I’ve been abusing.

*

Hey, listen.

I’ve just been coming around here,

and staying the night,

fucking with your mind,

and eating the eggs you made for breakfast

because for the sake of the connection,

you’ve been allowing me to mansplain to you

what you’ve already got a degree in.

This was never a real connection.

Just a way for me to get my dick wet.

*

It takes two months before the science does its work.

And well, I can see that since you were grieving that one child’s death,

the science has already started to begin.

And, wow.

Your nervous system is so very affected by how erratic I’ve been.

Ew.

How you could be so loving and desperate

in the face of my narcissism

has me...

*disgusted.*

I smile at you, but my eyes?

no expression.

Since things are getting real,

and you’re starting to get a little impatient

because I cannot show up correctly—

with integrity—

after taking from you for this long;

since you’re really asking me for healthy interdependence

and fair reciprocity,

I’m going to have to insult you as a codependent.

though it was me who held the truth captive

to watch you squirm this entire time.

I invited you here,

knowing I never planned on showing up for this.

*

If you really cannot accept my intermittent reinforcement trauma bonds,

I think my time has come to run away

like a little cowardly mouse,

scurrying quietly away from any accountability

or responsibility for what I’ve done wrong.

How else am I supposed to maintain my independence?

I have to uphold my reputation.

No, I could never truly face what it is that I have done.

I’ll offer a flat apology, and maybe even several times over,

but I’ll never have the capacity to really understand the severity

of the lasting damage I’ve done to a real-life human being

when I’ve just solely used them for access to their body.

I have no heart or mind or depth about me, personally,

and I don't know what it means to.

I don't think I really want to.

It sounds like hard work.

Gosh, it could even lead to

me getting...

hurt.

*

The time will come when someone breaks my heart

and gives me a taste of my own medicine,

but today is not that day.

I didn’t care about you, so I'm okay.

I was lonely, and fiending, and just couldn’t help myself.

I had to experience you, and so I took it.

Yes, I got what I wanted from you,

and no matter how much it destroys and paralyzes you,

I am through.

No discussion to be had.

As soon as you mentioned "feelings,"

I became another ghost to you.

*

If I see you on the bus, though,

months after discarding and ignoring you,

I’ll get your attention in front of my friends

and hope that you don’t hold me accountable for what I did.

And maybe you’ll just act like everything

is all peachy and okay again.

Maybe, just maybe, you're fucked up and pathetic

enough to start this cycle with me again.

-

What, we can't be friends?